An Invitation

After so long, Joseph, Leona, Beatrice and I finally had lunch together. I have been longing to bring them together so that we could share our experiences together. They are the current leaders of the CF, and now that their term is almost over, I thought that it would be good to come together and see what each of us has learnt from the experience. It was also a good opportunity to encourage one another as we move on in our lives.

During lunch though, we talked more about the CF than about one another. We ended up talking about the concerns of the CF rather than about our experiences as leaders and what we could learn from it. In a way, I am quite disappointed now that we didn’t really do what I had in mind initially. Well, maybe I could still do it with them individually through yahoo messenger.

One thing that I never expected from this session was an invitation; an invitation to serve in the CF by being the advisor. Dr Ian, a lecturer in MMU, is the current advisor to the CF. Recently however, he has had some problems in his family. It is becoming increasingly difficult for him to be around in CF and to be among the members. Joseph and Leona have been telling me about this, together with the CF’s need to have someone who could be there to give suggestions and advice. Since Dr Ian was unavailable most of the time, the committee would usually go to Annette instead. Annette though, will not always be on campus and had other responsibilities. Somehow, I felt that they had been hinting me about it, so the invitation was not entirely unexpected, just the timing of it.

Last month, I have been asking questions. What does moving on really mean for me? What role does God have for me in the CF? It would seem that God has given me an answer. The timing of this invitation and the stirring in my heart would seem to confirm this. Yet, I have more questions now more than ever. Is this really what God has been calling me to do? Is this the role that I am to play in the CF? Should I accept this role? What will I be able to contribute? Does the new committee really need someone like me to be an advisor? Will they accept me? What does an advisor really need to do?

What will my motives be? Will I do it out of love and out of my desire to follow Christ? Will I do it for the glory and recognition that it brings? How can I be an advisor when I don’t pray sometimes? How can I be an advisor when I am so selfish? How can I be an advisor when I sometimes feel so far from God? How can I be an advisor when I don’t live out a lot of what I say? What about pride? What if I end up saying things out of my own wisdom instead of listening to what God has to say?

On one hand, I feel that God has shown me enough for me to know that I should go ahead and accept the invitation. On the other hand, I am afraid and unsure. I am afraid that I may fail Him. I am afraid that I may fail others. I am afraid that I may end up making the same mistakes. I am afraid that I am not worthy. I am afraid of the consequences of accepting it. I am afraid that I will have to sacrifice more of myself and what I have.

During Bible study, Adrian and Katherine were sharing about how they felt when their parents rejected their efforts to share Jesus with them. Everyone was sharing in each other’s pain and encouraging one another. What was I doing? I was observing from without. I was thinking. Why don’t I feel the same way about my own parents? Why am I so selfish? Where is my compassion? Where is my love for others? Have all my efforts to be caring and to help others been all about me? Have I done it so that others would think better of me? Have I been so eager to help others to improve my reputation? Is my faith so much about head knowledge that my heart is now so cold? These are difficult questions to ask myself. Nevertheless, I know that I have to work them out with God. Is this the kind of advisor that He has chosen?