Saturday, April 30, 2005

From Selangor to Penang to Kedah

My aunts and I wanted to visit my grandfather who is currently staying at his brother’s house in Sungai Petani. It turns out that the maid had gone home to Indonesia because her husband and children had died in a car accident. Since there is no one at home to take care of him at home, they decided to let him stay there for awhile. It was better for him too, since his brother was also retired and he would have someone to talk to at home.

When I saw my grandpa, I was a little bit shocked at his condition. Maybe it’s because I haven’t seen him for quite awhile. But he looked very weak. He couldn’t even speak clearly. It was partly due to his recent surgery, but it was also partly due to his age. I never realized how old grandpa had become! His memory is not very good either. I kept thinking about how he had changed so much. He used to be so healthy. I still remember him exercising every morning. He would bring me along with him for morning walks when I was young. He would bring me to houses which had fish ponds in them. If the walls were too high, he would hoist me up so that I could see the fish. I still have vague impressions of those moments. It’s been almost 20 years.

As I was chatting with him, grandpa told me that he had been praying for us all this while; everyday in fact. Yes, I still remember grandpa’s prayers. He would wake up every morning at a bout five, kneel at the piano stool, and pray for at least an hour. He would pray for everyone in the family. One by one, he would pray for each of us. He prayed aloud, and I could normally hear what he was saying. He had such persistence and perseverance in prayer. I told him that we were praying for him too, and how we prayed for him when we heard that he had been admitted to the hospital.

I hope grandpa will be able to enjoy these last few years of his life. Many of us have taken him for granted in the past. Losing grandma was a big blow for him. The fact that there were frequent misunderstandings between him and dad didn’t help too. He went through many lonely times. I would like to sit down and have a chat with him another time soon. Maybe I can find out more about the history of our family, before it is lost forever. As we left the house, I hoped that this would not be the last time I see him. I want to go back and see him more often.

Wednesday, April 27, 2005

A Spirituality that is Authentic and Communal

It is probably easiest for us to resonate with personal psalms of complaint. Partly that is because they predominate in the Psalter and we are more familiar with them, even if we do not use them easily. But the other reason is that the category of the personal, even psychological, has become our mode of experiencing reality. We have, at the same time, experienced a loss of public awareness and public imagination. Given our privatistic inclination, we do not often think about public disasters as concerns for prayer life. If we do, we treat them as somehow a lesser item. We have lost our capacity to think theologically about public issues and public problems. Even more, we have lost our capacity to practice prayer in relationship to public events. ~ Walter Brueggemann, Spirituality of the Psalms

Authentic spirituality (that is, genuine communion with God) is never removed from the seasons, turns and crises of life. So the modes of God’s presence (and absence) and the quality of communion are very different in times of orientation and disorientation. What one says in conversation with God is not immune to the surprises and costs of our daily life. ~ Walter Brueggemann, Spirituality of the Psalms

From the book ‘Spirituality of the Psalms’, I can draw two very important facets of spirituality that we Christians need to learn. The first is a spirituality that is authentic. We hear a lot of worship leaders talking about ‘putting our problems aside to worship God’ and ‘forgetting everything and focusing just on God alone’ as they lead the congregation in worship. However, such nuances are not evident in the Psalter. The psalmists do not attempt to hide their anguish or doubts when they approach God. Instead, they bare it all before Him, even occasionally arriving at a point where accusations are made against God Himself. We bring our doubts, our fears and our sadness before Him. It is not that He doesn’t already know our thoughts. Nothing is considered taboo in our conversations with God. We must speak what we genuinely feel. This is what the Bible itself does. We see it not only in the Psalms, but also in Job, Jonah and many other books of the Bible. We do not need a spirituality of pretensions, because they do not reflect reality. We need a spirituality of authenticity that dares to be honest about what we really feel and is not afraid to speak to God about it.

The second point is that we need a spirituality that is communal. We Christians in this modern age need to regain a form a spirituality that our forefathers, as well as the Israelites, had. Nowadays, we have the idea that everything is just about me and God. Whatever I do, however I choose to do it, is none of your business. Whatever happens to another person is his or her problem. Whatever happens to our nation, or the world at large, has nothing to do with me and my relationship with God. The Church can fall and be corrupt and it does not affect my own spirituality. We speak of accepting Jesus as our ‘personal’ Savior and Lord. This was not the case for the psalmists and the Israelites in general. There are psalms that reflect a deep sense of anguish at the destruction of Jerusalem and the humiliation of Israel. Public and national disasters often affected the spirituality of individuals, causing them to question God’s justice.

I think I find it difficult sometimes to place more emphasis on the communal side of spirituality. I tend to be very selfish sometimes in my thinking, and often lack enough concern for the community that I find myself in. Lord, teach me to see the world through the eyes of Jesus. Teach me to practice a spirituality that is both authentic and communal
.

Tuesday, April 26, 2005

Flotsam and Jetsam

I decided not to go to work today. I cannot say that I stayed home either, because I don’t really have a proper ‘home’ at the moment. My belongings are partly in South City, and partly in the new house in Pinggiran Putra. And I stayed at Dawn’s place last night. I made up my mind to make sure I move all the other things today. I managed to clean my aquarium before transporting it and my bed to the new house. After setting up the aquarium (there was one casualty though. One of my rummy-nosed tetras died), I reconstructed the table that I had dismantled and then went back to South City for another trip. On the way back, I bought some sponges for my aquarium filter, bought clay to fix the leaking toilet, and bought metal bars so that I can hang my curtain. Now I only need to borrow the drill from Alvin.

I drove Agnes car to Puchong so that she could get it repaired. Then we went for dinner together at Secret Recipe. We went back to South City again to get my car and the remaining stuff in the house. Finally, it was back to Dawn’s apartment for a bath and some rest. I picked up ‘Finding Faith’ by McLaren (which I bought while at One Utama on Sunday) and read a little.

McLaren gives a list of descriptors of what he would consider as ‘bad faith’.

1. Bad faith is based solely on unquestioned authority
2. Bad faith is based on pressure or coercion
3. Bad faith is often the result of a psychological need for belonging
4. Bad faith appeals to self-interest and base motives (to be rich, comfortable, lazy etc.)
5. Bad faith is arrogant and unteachable
6. Bad faith is dishonest
7. Bad faith is apathetic (meaning it does not inspire action)
8. Bad faith is a step backward (an excuse for immaturity, so that others can make decisions for me)

As Christians, we all live by faith. There are a lot of things and ideas that we cannot know for certain, but which we can believe by taking a giant leap of faith. Even for those Christians who claim to have the answers because they say that the Bible provides a direct revelation from God, there is still a large amount of faith involved. How do we know for certain that the Bible is the direct revelation from God? How do we know that in all the years of copying and passing down of the manuscripts that the Bible has not been corrupted? How do we know if the translations of the Bible that we have convey the correct meaning of the passage which the original author intended? How do we know if our interpretation and understanding of the Bible is completely accurate?

On the other hand, science too, involves a huge amount of faith. The fact that we assume that everything in the universe must obey the laws of logic is in itself a step of faith. We have faith in consistent empirical data and measurements, even though history has shown time and time again, that our theories can be wrong or incomplete. We make all sorts of assumptions in our mathematical formulations and we have faith that these assumptions are plausible. We have faith that the information other researchers report is true. Even though the theory of evolution still has lots of gaps and problems to which we have yet to find solutions, many of us already believe in it by faith. Albert Einstein has a few things to say:

As far as the propositions of mathematics refer to reality, they are not certain; and as far as they are certain, they do not refer to reality.

The mechanics of discovery are neither logical nor intellectual. It’s a sudden illumination, almost a rapture. Later, to be sure, intelligence and analysis and experiment confirm (or invalidate) the intuition. But initially there is a great leap of the imagination.

Monday, April 25, 2005

Horses on Mars

The short video clip, entitled ‘Horses on Mars’, begins with these words appearing on the screen as calm, soothing space music plays in the background:

In 1871, Lord William Kelvin proposed the idea that through meteor and asteroid impacts, life may be ejected from the surface of planets into interplanetary space. Life could hop from planet to planet, spreading out through an entire solar system or even beyond. It has since been discovered that certain forms of microbial life do have the extraordinary ability to survive in the extremes of outer space. It may be that all life within our very own solar system has a common ancestral lineage – and a common home…

The camera zooms into the planet Mars, and then we get a close up view of a pebble on the once watery planet billions of years ago. We see cute little microscopic organisms playing with one another. The main character, a cute, single-celled blob that has a pair of antennas, as well as arms and legs, narrates the whole story.

An asteroid crashes onto the planet, flinging Mr. Narrator and friends into space, but on different pieces of rock. He finds himself alone as his friends get blasted towards different directions. The narration continues: It was lonely, but what did it matter. I was king of the pebble! Among other things to keep me busy, I would count my trips around the Sun. After three, I got bored and decided it was a silly thing to do anyway, so naturally, after that, I took a short nap. He crawls into a crack in the pebble and goes to sleep. 2.3 billion years later, he crashes onto another planet. We later find out that it is Venus. He misses his friends. Suddenly, we hear loud mechanical sounds, and we see a man-made spacecraft. Mr. Narrator walks around and notices a message from his friends inscribed on it:
Hi. Val became a horse. I became a Ukrainian. How are you?

A horse? Wow. I never had such vision. I always knew Val was the smart one. No one could do that here, become a horse. I wonder where they landed.

Was I meant to become something better? I kept wondering if it was all the fluke of statistical probabilities that brought me here, an inconceivably improbable accident. Or, was there some fundamental force of nature at work; something or some power beyond my comprehension that brought me here for some great, grand purpose, a purpose intimately involving me with the overall destiny of the whole universe?

Disappointed and disillusioned, he decides to go home. He climbs onto an active volcano that blasts him out of the Venusian atmosphere and into space. Finally, on my way home. The surprise comes when he realizes that he is flying towards the Sun, rather than towards Mars. As impending doom approaches, he ponders about life, other possibilities and fate. I knew that within me, somewhere deep down was a magnificent, flying creature; something fantastic, large, beautiful… I dreamed that I had giant wings and I could fly. The music grows louder and dreamier as we see his visions of a flying creature flying in space toward Mars. As the vision fades, we see him flapping his tiny little arms as he continues to dream a futile dream, floating nearer and nearer to the Sun. There is nothing he can do, except to wait… and to dream of home…
But even dreaming, it wasn’t like I remembered. Maybe it wasn’t home. But then, I saw it better. Not like how it was when I left it, or what it had become. But how it will be when the others make it back. I wonder if they’ll still remember me when they get there… All those horses…

And the screen turns white. The music fades.

The entire clip is beautiful beyond words. It leaves me feeling awed and melancholic. There is a little irony in it all, yet we get a feeling of peace and calmness. The mysteries of the universe are unfathomable. Amidst the cute and humorous moments, like when the narrator farts and burps, the video clip raises very profound questions… Questions about the meaning of it all, as well as the ironies of life…

Saturday, April 23, 2005

Spirituality of the Psalms

Chris, Daryl and I finally managed to get this double-storey terrace house in Pinggiran Putra. We confirmed and paid a deposit to the agent on Monday. This morning, I met both the agent and the house owner to sign the agreement and to obtain the keys to the house. Now I can start moving. Agnes and her friend, Yun Fern, helped me to clean the house. In between carrying heavy stuff, cleaning and packing, I managed to sneak a few moments of reading time into the tight schedule.

Now I am into another book, called ‘Spirituality of the Psalms’ by Walter Brueggemann. It’s quite theological and I couldn’t understand the preface at all. As I progressed however, I found a lot of insights into how we can look at and study the psalms. It’s another refreshing read from another author who is also involved with emerging theology. Brueggemann categorizes the psalms into three general themes: psalms of orientation, psalms of disorientation and psalms of new orientation. According to him, human life is mirrored in these spiritual songs where we continuously move from a state of orientation to a state of disorientation and then to a state of new orientation. He theorizes:

Human life consists in satisfied seasons of well-being that evoke gratitude for the constancy of blessing. Matching this we will consider psalms of orientation, which in a variety of ways articulate the joy, delight, goodness, coherence, and reliability of God, God’s creation, and God’s governing law.

Human life consists in anguished seasons of hurt, alienation, suffering, and death. These evoke rage, resentment, self-pity, and hatred. Matching this, we will consider psalms of disorientation, poems and speech-forms that match the season in its ragged, painful disarray.

Human life consists in turns of surprise when we are overwhelmed with the new gifts of God, when joy breaks through the despair. Where there has been only darkness, there is light. Corresponding to this surprise of the gospel, we will consider psalms of new orientation, which speak boldly about a new gift from God, a fresh intrusion that makes all things new.

But human life is not simply an articulation of a place in which we find ourselves. It is also a movement from one circumstance to another, changing and being changed, finding ourselves surprised by a new circumstance we did not expect, resistant to a new place, clinging desperately to the old circumstance. One move we make is out of a settled orientation into a season of disorientation. It is that move that characterizes much of the psalms in the form of complaint and lament. The other move we make is a move from a context of disorientation into a new orientation. The second move also characterizes many of the psalms, in the form of songs of thanksgiving and declarative hymns that tell a tale of a decisive time, an inversion, a reversal of fortune, rescue, deliverance, saving, liberation, healing.

Regarding the psalms of disorientation, and why most of us choose to ignore such psalms, he says:

Such a denial and cover-up, which I take it to be, is an odd inclination for passionate Bible users, given the large number of psalms that are songs of lament, protest, and complaint about the incoherence that is experienced in the world. At least it is clear that a church that goes on singing happy songs in the face of raw reality is doing something very different from what the Bible itself does.

I think that serious religious use of the complaint psalms has been minimal because we have believed that faith does not mean to acknowledge and embrace negativity. We have thought that acknowledgement of negativity was somehow and act of unfaith, as though the very speech about it conceded too much about God’s loss of control.

The point to be urged here is this: The use of these psalms of darkness may be judged by the world to be acts of unfaith and failure, but for the trusting community, their use is an act of bold faith, albeit a transformed faith. It is an act of bold faith on the one hand, because it insists that the world must be experienced as it really is and not in some pretended way. On the other hand, it is bold because it insists that all such experiences of disorder are a proper subject for discourse with God. Nothing is out of bounds, nothing precluded or inappropriate. Everything properly belongs in this conversation of the heart. To withhold parts of life from that conversation is in fact to withhold part of life from the sovereignty of God. Thus these psalms make the important connection: everything must be brought to speech, and everything brought to speech must be addressed to God, who is the final reference for all of life.

Friday, April 22, 2005

Fresh Quotes from a Long History


Agnes and Dawn have begun to shift their belongings to their new house in Pinggiran Putra. After work today, I went home and started to do the same. Thus began the arduous task of moving house. I’ve been doing it a few times since I went to university, but none has been more ominous. Four years of accumulating books, clothes and all sorts of trinkets. How am I going to move all my books? What about my aquarium? This is what I get for buying too many things!

After I felt that I had done enough packing for the night, I took a bath and spent a little time on the final few chapters of ‘The Story of Christianity’. Here are some interesting quotes:-

Christianity should make a difference to the way you hold your knife and fork ~ Toyohiko Kagawa, on how Christianity should transform every aspect of life

When a poor person dies I want them to die in the arms of somebody who loves them. I want them to be able to look for the last time into the eyes of somebody who cares for them ~ Mother Theresa of Calcutta

At the heart of Christianity is the call by Jesus to repentance and conversion from sin. While Christians may be proud of many achievements, they admit that they sin, and that sometimes the Churches to which they belong have serious faults and flaws. In the twenty first century, most Christian Churches are taking stock, admitting past errors and looking for spiritual renewal. Christians still believe that they have a vital and important message to offer the world. The kernel of the gospel is renewal. As the world faces new challenges, Christians look to the treasury of two thousand years of success and failure to offer humanity the fruits of their achievement, and the lessons learned.

In these earlier years of the third millennium, it is difficult for Christians to know what lies in the future. Their hope and trust remain in Jesus, their Lord, who promised to be with them always, “even unto the end of time” (Matthew 28:20). ~ Michael Collins and Matthew A. Price, The Story of Christianity

Thursday, April 21, 2005

Lessons from History and Hitch


Some interesting quotes taken from ‘The Story of Christianity: 2000 Years of Faith’:-

Lord, make me an instrument of your peace, Where there is hatred, let me sow love;where there is injury, pardon;where there is doubt, faith;where there is despair, hope;where there is darkness, light;where there is sadness, joy;

O Divine Master,
grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled as to console; to be understood as to understand; to be loved as to love.
For it is in giving that we receive; it is in pardoning that we are pardoned; and it is in dying that we are born to eternal life.
~ St. Francis of Assisi

Reason’s last step is the recognition that there are an infinite number of things that go beyond it ~ Blaise Pascal

I thank your ladyship for the information concerning the Methodist preachers. Their doctrines are most repulsive, and strongly tinctured with impertinence and disrespect towards their superiors, in perpetually endeavoring to level all ranks, and do away with all distinction. It is monstrous to be told that you have a heart as sinful as the common wretches that crawl on the earth. This is highly insulting; and I cannot but wonder that your Ladyship should relish any sentiments so much at variance with high rank and good breeding. ~ Dowager Duchess of Buckingham, writing to the Countess of Huntingdon, a Wesley supporter

Love all God’s creation, the whole of it and every grain of sand on it. Love every leaf, every ray of God’s light… if you love everything, you will perceive the divine mystery in things ~ Fyodor Dostoevsky

Citizens in the upper classes should consider that they are not free to choose whether or not they will help those at the bottom of the ladder. They are obliged to do so. No one lives only for himself in society; each lives for all ~ Pope Leo XIII


It’s interesting to find out that many of McLaren’s views about the Bible and faith are not new, but at least parts of them have appeared previously in other forms and movements such as Liberal Theology and Neo-orthodoxy.

I have almost come to the end of this book with just a few more pages left to go. It’s been a fascinating and educational journey through time. I have enjoyed it thoroughly as I learned more about how Christianity has changed and evolved through the years, discovered more about the popular heroes and villains of the faith as well as understand how Christianity has impacted the world and vice versa. 2000 years of history is a long time from a human perspective. Sometimes, I am appalled and feel disturbed about some of the things Christians can do to fellow human beings. Other times, I feel like crying out with some of my Christian brothers and sisters who were subjected to undeserved violence and torture. There are times when I wonder why Christians nowadays find it hard to accept new and changing doctrines, when our history is filled with such revisions. I am also beginning to see how different movements, denominations and beliefs came about, many of which were necessary because of the shifting culture of the world in which Christians find themselves. New ways of thinking and new methods paved the way for new movements and new doctrines. It is more difficult now to discern which systems of belief are right and which ones are wrong, while it has become easier for me to see that it doesn’t really matter after all. I can appreciate where each proponent of a particular point of view is coming from, now that I know a little of their history. The important thing is that we all follow Christ.

At the end of it all, the feeling that most pervades my soul is the feeling of gratitude both to God and our forerunners throughout the long history of our faith. I am thankful for this legacy that has been passed on from generation to generation, even through times of great persecution and trials. If not for the perseverance of our brothers and sisters in Christ, it would have been lost midway. I am grateful to those who were not afraid to think out of the box, as well as to voice out their hearts. They made the difference. Yes indeed, we do have a goodly heritage. Through it all, God’s grace sustained them. The Holy Spirit guided them. And He continues to do so. We are not there yet.

I am also thankful to God for the freedom that I have in expressing disagreements and doubts. We live in an era where we can speak freely about what we believe without the fear of being burned on stakes as heretics. I thank God that I live in a country where I am not tortured and executed for my faith in Christ. Many other Christians are not so fortunate.

I watched the movie Hitch with Agnes tonight, and in the opening sequences, Will Smith’s character, Hitch, said something like this:
Life is not about the amount of breaths you take. It’s about the moments that take your breath away.

Monday, April 18, 2005

The Conclusion to the Story...

Since we didn’t have a proper wrap-up for the final session yesterday, which I entitled ‘The Story We Find Ourselves in’ (my personal tribute to Brian D. McLaren!), I decided to write a letter to the committee members who are currently away at IF camp in Penang. Charis and Audrey did ask me to send an e-mail to them to share what I wanted to say. At first, I wasn’t sure if that would be the right thing to do. Anyway, I did it. Nick, my good friend who works in Penang, helped me to print a copy of the letter and passed it to Charis when he went to visit them at the camp. Thanks Nick! I’ll just let Charis decide what to do with it.

Hi!

I hope that all of you are enjoying IF camp and Penang so far! Meanwhile, I shall stay here and continue with my research. Work is just so wonderful… I pity you guys who have 7 weeks of holidays. =D Now that the students are away, I now have no worries about parking!!!! YAY!

Anyway, sorry I couldn’t wrap things up properly at the retreat. I have to admit that when I got home, I got so angry with God for making me spend 3 weeks preparing for it. Not to mention that I skipped Agnes’ grandmother’s funeral and woke up earlier on Sunday morning also. I quote Beatrice and Wee Liem: God sure does have a weird sense of humor. As I sit here typing, I’m just beginning to wonder if God did that just to show me that I have become too dependent on myself, again. Hmmm…

Just in case you are wondering what the diagrams and sentences in the remaining two pages are about, I have attached the conclusion of the session here. As usual, I ended up writing more than what I initially intended to say! Hahaha… By the way, I’m not sure how biblical the conclusion is. I may be wrong, and you have the right to disagree with me. It is for you to decide what to accept and what not to. Test them with the Word of God and with your own stories. The Holy Spirit will lead us into all truth.

Thank you for sharing your stories with the rest of us! I have learnt much from you guys! Thanks Audrey for planning the retreat. Thank you to those who prepared, drove, cooked and cleaned up.

For those who are graduating, good bye and keep in touch! For those who will still be in the CF, whether you are in the committee or not, I’m looking forward to working alongside you all, Annette and Dr Ian next academic year! God bless!


The Story We Find Ourselves in: The Conclusion…

All of us have our own life story. But when we take the time to listen to one another’s stories, we begin to realize that our story is just one of many other stories. Each story is unique. None are exactly the same. Yet, we find that our stories have many things in common. This is because our stories are all part of a larger story. All of us at one time or another became part of the larger story of the CF in MMU, Cyberjaya. It is in this story, where our life stories became entwined. It is in the CF where we appeared in each other’s stories, in which some of us end up playing significant roles. The story of the CF is just one small part of the larger story of the Church; the body of Christ. The story of the Church in turn, makes up one portion of the sweeping story of the world and the universe in which we live; the unfolding drama of creation, the fall and God’s redemption of the world.

We need to remember this. There is always the danger of being trapped in our own bubbles, as some of us shared, as if life is just about ‘me and God’. This is not true. The only thing God was not pleased about in all of creation was ‘that man should be alone’ (Genesis 2:18). If all that we are concerned about are our own life stories, we may end up becoming selfish people who care only about our own problems. It is as if everything is just about me and my problems. Other people become insignificant.

As leaders of the CF, we also need to remember that CFMMU is not the only or most important ministry on the planet. God is working in various other ministries all over the world, in other CFs and churches. CFMMU is just playing one small part. As Beatrice mentioned, we should not be competing with churches or other CFs. If a local church can take care of some of our members when we have failed to do so (and I am sure we have), then let us rejoice with them! If people decide to be more involved in their local church rather than the CF, let us be happy for them! If most of the Christians in the Malacca campus choose to stay back in Malacca, then let’s be thankful for it together with our sister CF! We need to look at the larger story of the Church and see what God is doing among Christians all over the world!

There is another danger here: that we become so caught up with the story of the Church that we forget our mission in the world. God did not call us out of the world to be part of a different story. He called us out of the world into a relationship with Him, so that he could send us back into the world. As the Church, as long as we remain alive, we are still part of the story of the world. Our mission is to continue Christ’s work here on earth; to share His love and good news to the world. Always remember, that our stories are all part of a larger story.

Our stories are messy. Becoming Christians did not make our lives any simpler. We only have to look at the story of the Church to see that we Christians can be the most messed up people on the planet. There were times when the early Christians were confused about what they believed. Was Jesus God? Was Jesus a man? It took four hundred years for the Church to finally decide that Jesus was both God and man and to come up with the doctrine of the Trinity. They went through great times of persecution. Scores of Christian men, women and children were tortured and executed for fun. When their power grew, the Christians turned persecutor and burned heretics on stakes. There were great divisions and disunity within the Church when they needed to stand together against the rising Islam. The Church split even when they were reaching out into new territories. Corruption became strife. We killed each other, all in the name of Jesus. The reformation resulted in vast, bloody wars between Catholics and Protestants. Even as all these things went on, the doctrines and beliefs of the Church were constantly revised. Yet, interspersed among these struggles, atrocities, and confusion we find stories of grace, love, revivals, missions, growth, and social activism. Whole nations came to believe in Christ. Christians played a major role in helping the needy, as well as in fighting against slavery and racism. It was the Church that founded schools and hospitals. The CF is no different. From our small beginnings in a basketball court, the story of the CF is a story of dilemmas, frustrations, persecution, conflicts, disunity and burn-outs. Among such negativity are stories of growth, multiplication, great friendships, wonderful memories and successful efforts in reaching out to the community.

We see the same patterns in our own life stories. There are good times. There are bad times as well. There are times when we don’t even know whether it is good or bad. We go through struggles and doubts. Sometimes, we do things we later regret. Our beliefs and ideas about faith and God change as we journey on in life. We still don’t have all the answers. We still don’t know the Bible as much as we would like to. Yet, we grow and we learn. There is much to be thankful to God for. The funny thing is that we can be struggling with relationships and doubts, and still be God’s instrument of change in the world. For some weird reason, God calls us to lead the CF even in the midst of such struggles. And we do not have to hide them just because we are leaders. We need not put on any masks. In a world where success depends so much on our reputation, self-confidence and ability to act strong, what the CF and the Church need are people who dare to be real and authentic; people who are not afraid to acknowledge that we are not there yet. Don’t we all appreciate it when our president admits that she cheated during the games? Or when our vice president admits that he is currently struggling with doubts? We are still on the way, as an individual, as a CF and as the body of Christ.

The Christian martyrs did not choose to be alive during those times of persecution. Neither did the Christians who lived during the dark ages and holy wars decide to appear in those eras.
We cannot choose which part of the story we appear in. We did not choose to live in a time when churches are divided over homosexuality and abortion. We did not choose to be the leaders in CF during what Annette called the ‘dark night’ of the CF. We did not choose to be part of the CF at a time when personal conflicts abound and numbers seem to be decreasing. Whether we live in the golden era or dark ages of the CF and the Church, we just have to accept it. Let God decide. These are stages that imperfect stories will go through some time or another. We can, however, choose what we want to do about it.

When God created us,
He allowed us to write our own stories. He gave us the freedom to decide what we want to do with our lives. We can choose to write our stories apart from Him, by doing whatever we want; or we can choose to write our stories together with Him, by living according to His will. More than that, God allows us to help Him write the larger stories. The stories of the Church and the CF are filled with countless men and women whom God used to make a difference. The apostles, St. Augustine, St. Francis, Martin Luther, Abraham Lincoln, Mother Theresa, Henri Nouwen, C. S. Lewis, Billy Graham are but a few of them. When we do our part in the Church and in the CF, we are helping God write the larger stories; not that God needs our help at all, rather it is just that He chooses to allow us do so, for some unknown reason.

Sometimes, our stories can be filled with bleakness and uncertainty. We don’t know where the Church is heading to. We do not know what is going to happen to the CF in the coming years. We don’t know what new directions our lives can take. Nevertheless, we need to have hope. We need to remember that
God is in control of history and time. God is sovereign. He works throughout history and time. Through the bad times and the good times, God moves. Some of us have the idea that God is moving only when there are signs and wonders, revivals and when numbers in CF are growing. And if numbers are decreasing and problems are on the rise, then God is not moving. If the CF grows, God is working. If the CF does not grow, we assume that God is not working because the leaders are not doing His will. We need to shake off such simplistic views about God. He is not limited by any contrived condition, neither is he stumped by the things that are happening in the world or in the CF. He will make all things beautiful in His time in His own way, even if it means allowing us to go through tough times.

Our stories never end. For some of us, our part in the story of the CF has come to an end, but we are still very much a part of the story of the Church and of the World. We still have a role to play in these stories. In the meantime, God leads us into new stories, and our journeys continue. Even if we die tomorrow, we move into a new story, one we cannot even hope to imagine.

In Psalm 90, the psalmist contemplates on the fragility of life, while acknowledging the sovereignty of our eternal God. Life on earth is short. Let us be good stewards of this gift that God, in His grace, has bestowed upon us. Let us live life to the full, by writing our stories with God, and by being part of God’s dream for the World, the Church and the CF. No doubt our stories are messy, but may they continue to be testaments of God’s grace and faithfulness in our lives.

Saturday, April 16, 2005

Back in Country Heights

Country Heights in Kajang has been a place of special significance in my journey as a Christian. It was in this place that I have had the privilege to be part of two memorable retreats as a committee member in the CF. It was during these retreats that I experienced renewal and a refreshing of the spirit. I felt a connectedness with my fellow committee members as we shared our experiences with one another. I learnt more about leadership through the various sessions with Annette. I will always remember what God has done for me here. The lush greenery and lakes that extend throughout the whole area add to the tranquility and ambience of the place. I still remember my favorite spot on a little wooden bridge that connected two banks of the lake. I remember spending quiet times with God on the bridge, under a few trees that provided me with shade. I remember the chat I had with Nigel and Niger on that same bridge way past midnight almost one year ago. I miss those times. I treasure them.

Now I am back, one year after the last retreat, no more as the CF president but as the CF advisor. We did not get the same unit we had on previous occasions. This time, there was no lake outside the sliding door, just a tennis court. Well, too bad. As usual we had our fun and games. And as usual, we went for satay in Kajang town. I think this retreat is good for me in that I finally managed to get to know Audrey, one of the current committee members, better. Among the current committee, I know her the least. We ended up in the same group for the team-building sessions, and I am glad to get to know her more. I’m sure it will only help us as we work together in the future.

One of the activities during the team-building session included arranging a deck of cards to form a structure. We tried to make elaborate structures by leaning cards on one another. It was challenging. A tiny jerk would bring the whole structure down. We tried and tried and failed. When we were sharing about what we could learn from these sessions, Wee Liem brought up an interesting observation. The easiest way we could have done it was to leave the cards as a deck. It was simple. It was stable. Sometimes, we try to make the CF elaborate. We come up with all sorts of programs so that it looks attractive on the outside. But the more elaborate it becomes, the less stable it is. A tiny jerk causes the whole structure to collapse. What our CF needs is not more elaborate programs and methods, but simplicity and strong foundations. Sometimes, being simple is the best way to go about it.

Monday, April 11, 2005

As for You, Go Your Way Till the End

In the final vision that Daniel received, God showed him a glimpse of what was to come in the future. It will be chaotic. There will be great wars, power struggles, violence and injustice. Evil times lie ahead. Daniel was shown the vision at a time when the Jews had just returned home from exile. But God was already showing him that evil rulers will come to conquer the Beautiful Land again. The daily sacrifice of the Jews will be abolished. They will be persecuted. The evil rulers will defy God himself. As the vision progresses, the situation grows from bad to worse, culminating in the first verse of chapter 12: There will be a time of distress such as has not happened from the beginning of nations until then.

Daniel must have been really confused. Why would God allow such things to happen? Why do the bad guys always win? I would expect that the visions would have greatly troubled him. They were disturbing and gave a sense of hopelessness and bleakness. Then comes a twist in the tale:
But at that time your people-everyone whose name is found written in the book-will be delivered. Multitudes who sleep in the dust of the earth will awake: some to everlasting life, others to shame and everlasting contempt. Those who are wise will shine like the brightness of the heavens, and those who lead many to righteousness, like the stars for ever and ever. There is a shift from bleakness and chaos to eternal hope.

But by now, Daniel has even more questions. Maybe he was even more confused than before. He didn’t understand. When will these things come to pass? He wanted to know more. He was just like many of us are today. We read about the end times in the Bible. We get curious and we want to know more. When? How? What do these numbers and symbols mean? We don’t understand. Then God gave a surprising answer, which concludes the entire book of Daniel:

"As for you, go your way till the end. You will rest, and then at the end of the days you will rise to receive your allotted inheritance."

It is a promise. After almost three chapters of turmoil and confusion, the mood changes to that of peace and assurance. I could sense that God was saying to Daniel, “Don’t worry. Don’t worry about the details. Don’t worry if you do not understand many of the things that I have shown to you. I am in control. Leave it to me. Go your way and continue what you have been doing until your time comes. Then you will rest. After all these things have happened, you will rise again to receive what I have promised you.” What a beautiful ending! These words speak to us who live in times such as these as much as they spoke to Daniel. They are words of comfort, peace and hope.

Sunday, April 10, 2005

A Daily Prayer

Deliver me, O God,
From the desire of being loved,
From the desire of being extolled,
From the desire of being honored,
From the desire of being praised,
From the desire of being preferred,
From the desire of being consulted,
From the desire of being approved,
From the desire of being popular,
From the fear of being humiliated,
From the fear of being despised,
From the fear of suffering rebukes,
From the fear of being calumniated,
From the fear of being forgotten,
From the fear of being wronged,
From the fear of being suspected,
From the fear of being ridiculed.
Amen

~ Mother Theresa

I checked for the meaning of ‘calumniate’ in a dictionary. Calumniate means to charge falsely or with malicious intent; to attack the good name or reputation of someone.

Saturday, April 09, 2005

A New Chapter in My Life


I have so much information in my head at this moment after reading a good deal in the last month or so. As I’ve mentioned before, some of these books have really made a difference in the way I think. I believe that in a way, these books have also affected the way I feel about life, God and the people around me. I do wonder sometimes if change will stop there. Will my behavior change too? Will this change in heart lead to a change in my lifestyle and actions? This remains to be seen. I can read all the books in the world and have all the knowledge in the world, but if this does not lead me to be a loving neighbor to those around me, what good then will all the knowledge do me? Completing several books is not an end in itself. It is what comes after. Will I change the way I behave? Will I become more missional and Christ-like not only in my own thoughts but in my actions as well?

Agnes, Adrian and I were on our way back from dinner at Sunway Pyramid when Adrian began asking about some eschatological issues. He asked for my opinion on the resurrection of the saints, whether we would be resurrected only after the second coming of Christ, or immediately after we die. “I don’t know…” I replied calmly. “I guess we won’t know. There are so many different theories. Maybe we don’t have to know.” “Will knowing such things make us better Christians?” I questioned aloud, partly directing it to him and partly to myself. I was pleasantly surprised at my own reaction to his questions. No more the ‘I-know-it-all’ and ‘Christians-have-the-answers-to-everything-and-I-can-explain-it’ syndromes. Well, this is a good start. Maybe my behavior IS changing! If it is, I only have one person to thank – my Daddy up in Heaven!

Lord, I want so much to change. I want to be more Christ-like and more loving. After all that you have done for me, I just want to say thank you. May the words that You have spoken to me through these books and Your Holy Spirit carry me through into a new chapter of my life. May it be the beginning of another story of Your power to change lives – my life.

Remember - my goal isn't to make you think the same way I do: I'll just be happy if the book makes you think. I have loads of respect for others who don't reach the same conclusions I do - and I hope they'll be able to do the same for me. At the end of the day, if people experience increased energy to love God and their neighbors, that matters most. And if the status quo is destabilized so something better can shake loose ... thanks be to God. ~ Brian D. McLaren, on his website

Friday, April 08, 2005

I imagine a small boy with a pillowcase pinned to his shoulders like a Superman cape, standing on his bed so he can see himself in the bureau mirror. The Superman cape is our culture’s most common fashion statement. It’s an intoxicating costume. For one thing, the Superman cape works like an invisibility cloak in reverse. Put it on and you can’t see your own faults. Instead, you see everyone else’s with lightning clarity and presume the authority to judge them.

What’s more, Superman-Cape-Attitude has no natural enemies. If opposition arises – and self made heroes secretly hope it will – it just proves that the hero threatens the powers that be. An episode of opposition gives you a delicious opportunity to display your valor. Self-criticism or awareness of one’s flaws is impossible because external criticism reinforces the conviction that you are right.

Being a brave defender of unpopular causes is a whole lot easier, now that most recognizable causes are fabulously popular. ~ Frederica Matthewes-Green, ‘Stories of Emergence’

Am I a self-made hero who tries to defend unpopular causes? I need to be wary of such dangers, especially as I immerse myself in the emerging church dialogue. It’s easy to criticize the institutional church and rigid forms of Christianity while being unaware of my own flaws as a Christian.

Thursday, April 07, 2005

Stories of Emergence

Church was all about performance, and if you didn’t perform, the church had no place for you. Participation in church activities determined one’s value. The sermons, teachings, activities and publications were all about what Jesus wanted us to do, what God expected us to do, what the gospel commanded us to do – as seen through the eyes of the minister. I don’t recall my soul being mentioned, except in reference to its final destination.

Church services have become conspiracies of pretending. The church has its own language. God-words permeate services, giving the impression that church is other-worldly. The minister pretends he has life figured out, and the congregation members pretend they don’t have problems, well, maybe one here and there, mostly there.

The minister tells people what to do, and the people do it. Church is the reservoir of the uncomplicated. Jesus is the answer, the fixer, the problem solver, the protector. In other words, Jesus is the Chief Doer whose purpose is to do stuff for us, to satisfy our every need, want and desire to prove to us that he is, in fact, God so we can go out and do stuff to prove we love God. ~ Mike Yaconelli, ‘Stories of Emergence’

In today’s evangelical world, one of the worst things you can be called is liberal. Challenge an accepted belief or confess doubt and you’re the equivalent of a card-carrying communist.

In recent years, I’ve become increasingly concerned about the power certain evangelical personalities have over popular opinion. Call me crazy, but it seems like many of my church friends live on every word that proceeds from the mouths of the evangelical leaders of the world more than on every word that proceeds from the mouth of God. It isn’t that what evangelical leaders say is right or wrong, it’s just that so many people have stopped thinking for themselves – and those who haven’t don’t feel safe to express a dissenting opinion.

Permeating much of my experience in ministry was the underlying assumption that bigger is better. The people with a platform – the ones everyone wanted to hear and shake hands with – were always the guys from the big churches. Pastoral credibility had everything to do with how big a budget they had and how many worshippers came to the Sunday event. If a church decreased in size, one could only assume the pastor wasn’t doing God’s will and his books were destined for the discount rack.

Simply shepherding a church wasn’t enough. You want to have ‘the fastest growing congregation’ or a similar label attached. It was survival of the fittest with a thin spiritual veneer. ~ Spencer Burke, ‘Stories of Emergence’

What perplexes me is that Christians have known for 50 or 60 years how valuable cultural anthropology is to cross-cultural ministry, but we’ve never applied that knowledge here at home. We’ve assumed that we’re the same culture as those around us, but we’ve failed to acknowledge our radically different worldviews; values; customs; and in some cases – dress, speech and mannerisms.

I’d like to suggest a problem that might not have occurred to you: the myth that all a church needs in order to increase its appeal to outsiders is a change in its forms. We think that sprucing up the old images and making superficial programmatic changes will result in busloads of new visitors to each of our churches.

Early on we made the mistake of thinking we could change the style of our service and expect the whole community to show up only to find out that when you improve the style of your ministry, the first people to arrive are Christians – bored with their former churches. Church shoppers are always looking for the latest and best entertainment. ~ Chuck Smith Jr., ‘Stories of Emergence’

Salvation, as normally understood outside the context of the whole story (say-a-prayer-so-that-when-you-die-you-can-go-to-heaven), lacks the power to be compelling. The reductionist version was never right or true. Lacking the context of the story of God and His kingdom, salvation became, in late modernity, just another consumer item that supposedly secured one’s eternity. ~ Todd Hunter, ‘Stories of Emergence’


These are stories of people who have become disillusioned with institutionalized churches that worship programs. These were leaders in their churches as well. I am thankful for their authenticity and boldness to share what they thought and felt. The more I read, the more I realize that I am not alone in my thoughts.

Tuesday, April 05, 2005

Can I Accept Sola Scriptura and Sola Fide?


After handing in the paper to Dr Ewe, I actually felt bored at work! I continued my reading of ‘The Story of Christianity’ to learn more about the history of Christianity. I also began doing my own research on the net regarding what I was reading. I learnt more about how the early Church formed, how their theology and ideas changed through time. I read about how the canon of the Bible was selected and went through a few revisions.

I do wonder if Martin Luther was wrong when he came up with Sola Scriptura (The Bible as the sole authority) and Sola Fide (Salvation by faith alone). I’m starting to have doubts, especially after looking at both sides of the argument. The thing is that the canon was chosen based on the apostolic tradition. The council members looked at the teachings of the apostles that were handed down from generation to generation as authority. It was on the basis of tradition and apostolic succession that the books of the canon were chosen. Teachings that were not in accordance with tradition were discarded as heresy. Groups that taught things that contradicted with apostolic teaching were considered heretical. So, tradition did play a role in the shaping of the Church. In a sense, the Bible is a product of tradition. How can we then say that the Bible is the sole, infallible authority when it comes to the Christian life? The people who decided on the canon were fallible humans. That was why it went through a few revisions. Even Martin Luther wanted to throw out certain books of the Bible just because those books didn’t agree with his Protestant teachings.

Can the letters written by the apostles really be considered God’s Word and Scripture? The apostles were fallible humans too. They weren’t even sure initially if one needed to be circumcised to be a follower of Christ. That’s why they argued about it relentlessly. The early Christians weren’t sure about who Jesus was, the Trinity, or whether people who denied Christ in the midst of persecution should be pardoned. Yet, they were still able to love God and love their neighbors. And Christianity survives till this day.

Maybe it’s not so much about who is right and which doctrines we should believe in. Maybe the Bible is not the infallible Word of God. Neither are traditions and the apostles infallible. Yet, this should not stop us from loving God and loving our neighbors. This should not stop us from following Jesus and trusting that God is in control of history and that He will do what needs to be done. Brian McLaren may be right. Maybe the Bible is just a heritage that tells us our history and our story. It is useful for instruction and teaching, as Paul says, but never intended to be our only and sufficient source of theology and doctrine like what we in evangelical churches have made it to be.

What about salvation by faith alone? There seems to be an equal number of verses in the Bible that support it and contradict it. Jesus didn’t seem to think that we are saved by faith alone. Maybe there is the element of obedience to God as well. I have doubts, and I want to find out more. I do this not with a heavy heart, fearing that God will strike me or disown me or that I am backsliding. I do it with joy and excitement, knowing that I am not alone, I am not there yet, and I am still on the way, just as the Church itself is, just as many other Christians on the journey are. Even as I seek, I know that I am still able to love God with all my heart, soul, mind and strength, and love my neighbor as myself. I am still able to lead others to Christ, so that they too can join me on this journey and join Christ in His mission to see God’s kingdom come.

Friday, April 01, 2005

The Impossible Made Possible

It’s been a month since Dr Ewe asked me to write the conference paper for PIERS. It felt like an impossible task back then. However, there has been slow and steady progress. Tomorrow is the deadline, but I managed to finish the paper today. I submitted it to Dr Ewe for checking. I then left work early to drive to KLCC to meet Aik Leong, who is here in KL for some work. We talked over tea at Chilli’s.

Well, it’s been a month. God made the impossible possible! I want to express my gratitude to Him for taking care of it. I made it! And I’m sure God had everything to do with it! Now I look back at this hurdle in my research work and realize how much it has helped me. If not for the pressure, I wouldn’t have even begun learning how to use Dr Ewe’s program. Now at least I know how to use it to run simulations. Thank God!