We'll See It Come in Again...

I’ve finally finished my reading of ‘Pilgrim at Tinker Creek’. I can say that it has been indeed a sort of pilgrimage for me. The intricacies of every minute detail in nature, the repulsive horrors we find in the insect world, and the extravagance or fecundity that nature seems to indulge in; are these somewhat a glimpse into the mind of its Creator?

Divinity is not playful. The universe was not made in jest but in solemn incomprehensible earnest. By a power that is unfathomably secret, holy, and fleet. There is nothing to be done about it, but ignore it, or see. I go my way, and my left foot says ‘Glory’, and my right foot says ‘Amen’: in and out of Shadow Creek, upstream and down, exultant, in a daze, dancing, to the twin silver trumpets of praise. ~ Annie Dillard, Pilgrim at Tinker Creek

I do not doubt God. I do not doubt Jesus. But my journey in life has led me to this stage in which I am starting to have doubts about some of the things we evangelical Christians believe in. I stumbled upon this wonderfully-written article by Brian McLaren on his website today. It is called ‘Doubt: The Tides of Faith’, and I felt really refreshed and encouraged after reading it. I thank God for the strength that has been renewed in me. And I think this article would be of great help to those who are stumbling and crawling along this journey of faith just as I am; just as McLaren, and many other confused Christians out there are. I insert here a few paragraphs of the article that particularly encouraged me at this particular moment in my journey.

If you came to me with any one of these tough issues, the very last thing I’d want to do is offer you a short, easy answer. To do justice to your doubts would involve us developing an authentic relationship, engaging in real conversation, and going through a rather lengthy process. In each case, I think I’d begin by affirming the good thing that you are after – truth, authenticity, honesty, compassion, justice. Then, rather than giving answers, I’d help you devise a number of possible answers; I’d help you create options. Then, together, we’d evaluate the options in light of Scripture, experience, things we’ve read or heard from wise people. Instead of coming in as the big teacher with all the answers, I’d try to come alongside you as a companion in the search for those good things – truth, honesty, justice, and all the rest. And this is very important: I’d try to help you keep praying through the process, because ultimately, faith isn’t just about answers or concepts – it’s about admitting that many of life’s greatest truths are going to be mysteries to us, due to the limitations of our tiny intelligence. It’s about reaching out to God to guide us, and asking for God’s help so we can be honest, good-hearted seekers. That’s what child-like faith is, in my opinion. It’s not gullibility or intellectual laziness, but asking questions and having an insatiable curiosity for truth, and reaching out to someone who knows more than we do.

That’s why I am so convinced that doubt can be a doorway to spiritual growth. Unfortunately, like most avenues of growth, it is often painful. Intellectual pain is an underrated cost of following Christ. If I didn’t care about following Christ, I wouldn’t care so much about being honest, seeking truth, facing reality … I would be more tempted to simply go with the flow, take the easy way, maybe anesthetize my intellectual pain instead of persevering through it toward the truth.

If you’re going through that kind of intellectual pain right now, again, I want to encourage you to pray about it … to lay it all before God. You see, the kind of dependence on God that you are exercising now, in the midst of intellectual uncertainty and confusion, may be the purest kind of faith found on planet earth. It involves an act of will and courage which I think must be far more valuable, maybe even heroic, than we normally realize. In addition, I would encourage you to find a circle of friends with whom you can be transparently honest.

At this stage in my life, I have sifted and re-sifted, and some beliefs I’ve had to release, while others have proven themselves as “keepers.” This is where Jesus is so wonderful and helpful to a person whose faith is in low tide, because Jesus looked at the whole religious system of the Pharisees, which was enormously complex and full of inconsistencies, and in essence, he doubted it. He sifted out a lot of clutter, and boiled all the rest down to some beautiful essentials … like loving God with all your heart, mind, soul, and strength, and loving your neighbor as yourself. I would rather have someone be sure of those few essentials, and live by them, than have them be sure of a million fine points of systematic theology, and not live by Christ’s call to love.

But here’s where faith comes in – a faith that leans on God himself, and not on our own understanding, including our own theological understanding. We have the challenge of believing that good answers are out there, if we only have the courage to press through the intellectual pain of questioning, seeking, learning, and stretching. I believe Jesus when he said he’ll never leave us or forsake us – and that includes even when we question. Or as Paul said, even when we are faithless, God remains faithful. It’s ironic: the more free I am to doubt my specific beliefs, the more free I become to hold on to that personal faith in God. At the point where the tide of faith seems the lowest, if we hang on and don’t give up, we’ll see it come in again.

…we’ll see it come in again. This is what I hope and pray for. I don’t know how different my faith will be at the end of it all. I don’t know how much my faith will change. I’ll let God do what He wants with it, and I will continue to hope that I will see it come in again, albeit in a different form… unless I die first or Jesus returns.

Of Bread and Books

I followed Agnes to Bandar Sunway Gospel Center for Sunday service today. Brethren churches conduct the Holy Communion every Sunday, and I decided to participate, even though I’m not a Brethren. The elder said nothing about Christians from other churches not being able to participate either. I broke a piece of the bread that was being passed around and held it in my hands. During communion, I would usually meditate (or at least try to) on Jesus’ sacrifice for our sins. This time though, as I stared at the piece of bread held in my hand, my thoughts wandered off.

I thought about the other Christians who would be participating in the same sacrament today; the Catholics, Brethren and other Christians from other denominations that would be eating from the same loaf and the same cup. I thought about all the churches in Malaysia and in the World. When I eat of the bread and drink of the cup, I will not only be participating in the Holy Communion here. I participate in a communion that encompasses all Christian brothers and sisters of mine who choose to remember Jesus in this way, regardless of whether we believe in transubstantiation or not. Suddenly, I felt the magnitude and enormity of this little sacrament.

My mind continued its wanderings, and it drifted back into time. I thought about all the saints in history who have also participated in this Holy sacrament. I can imagine them eating the bread and drinking the wine even now together with us here in Bandar Sunway Gospel center. I thought of John Wesley; Emperor Constantine; the friars, monks and nuns in their monasteries on mountain slopes. I thought of the Crusaders in their robes and armor; St. Augustine; the early Christians who were about to be thrown to the lions. I thought about St. Paul, St. John, St. Peter; James the brother of Jesus. These are the saints in whose blessed company we eat the bread and drink the wine of communion! What company! I couldn’t hold back feelings of awe and blessedness! Then my mind came to rest in a dark room. In it, Jesus was passing around unleavened bread to his disciples. And then I thought about the countless poor who also partake of the communion of Christ; the suffering ones; the hungry, the diseased, the homeless, fatherless, motherless and childless; the dying and the crying all over the world now and in ages past. They are part of God’s family as well. They eat from the same loaf. They drink from the same cup. God includes them.

By now, I had already taken the bread. I was holding the cup of grape juice in my hand. They were going to collect it so I quickly gulped it down and put the cup in the container that was being passed around. Now I think I understand why the early church fathers called it ‘Holy Communion’.

After service, I followed the church to Shah Alam for a family day tour of the Hi-5 bread factory. I found the trip quite educational. We listened to a little bit of history of bread-making, and we each got a loaf of bread as well! I loved the fragrance of bread that filled the walkways and exhibits. I couldn’t resist making cheeky remarks to some of the church members about Hi-5 sponsoring their church communion bread. Ha ha…

I have to admit it. I am a bookworm! I love reading. I am obsessed with books! Every month, I budget RM200 to be used for book purchasing. So as my salary arrives each month, one of the first things that I do will be to get to a bookstore and spend that money! I will have eyed a few books by then, checked out reviews on www.amazon.com and have a few books in mind already. Somehow, I always manage to finish reading those books just in time for the next payroll. This time though, I have still to finish ‘Pilgrim at Tinker Creek’; two more chapters to go. Nevertheless, I went to Borders to get some books that I have been eyeing for the past month.

I got ‘History of Christian Thought’ by Jonathan Hill. I hope that it will give me a picture of how Christian ideas and theology developed through the ages. I secretly hope that it will also help me to see how the concepts of original sin, salvation and the gospel came to be and changed throughout history. I also bought N. T. Wright’s ‘For all the Saints? : Remembering the Christian Departed’, to see what he has to say about the afterlife, since McLaren and co. always reference him. I wanted to learn more about St. Francis and this patron saint of nature, so I decided to get a biography. Of all the biographies that I could find about him, I picked the one by G. K. Chesterton, one of the most respected and well known Christian thinkers of the century. The final book that I chose was ‘Mother Theresa: In my Own Words’. In Mother Theresa, we have one of the greatest examples of what it means to be a ‘Missional’ Christian not only in words and thoughts but in deeds as well. I hope that her words and stories will spur me to at least do more for the people around me, even though I may not be even a fraction of what she was to those around her. In total, the four books cost me RM194. Am I crazy?

Committees Into Communities

We spent the whole morning and afternoon today running through the skits, mime, sermons and puppet shows for the mission trip. I really enjoyed the moments together as a team, especially the laughter. It is so much more fulfilling to work together as friends rather than just colleagues. I learnt this very important lesson while serving in the CF committee previously, and I thank God that I am able to experience it again here. I am reminded of a book I read more than a year ago called ‘Turning Committees into Communities’ published by the Navigators. It is indeed so much more wonderful to be part of a community rather than just a committee or mission team. As we work together to prepare for the trip, we will continue to open up our lives to one another in our sharing. I feel closer to my friends in this team more than ever. We have another retreat coming up one week before the trip. This time, we will be preparing ourselves spiritually and relationally rather than practicing presentations. I’m looking forward to preparing some of the sessions, as well as some quality time with God and each other! Lord, what can we do together? Lead us as we prepare for this upcoming retreat.

Going Back to the Topic of Hell...

This morning, I followed a link on Pastor Sivin Kit’s blog to an ongoing discussion regarding the topic of Hell on a theologian’s blog. The author of many books, including two volumes of those ‘life application commentaries’ that I always see in Christian bookstores, Scott McKnight has been sharing his thoughts on Hell and ‘The Last Word’ in his recent posts on ‘Jesus Creed’. Filled with comments by readers of different backgrounds and beliefs, it looked like a healthy discussion except on a few occasions when tempers got the better of some individuals. McKnight, in his post ‘Hoping Dark Thoughts are not the Last Word’ differentiates between what we believe in and what we hope for. He makes a fine point here; that even though we may believe what the Bible seems to say about Hell (or what we think it seems to say), it is alright to hope that we are wrong. It is ok to hope that we might have interpreted the Bible wrongly. He then gives an entire list of reasons why we hope that what we believe about Hell is not true. I hope he doesn't mind me putting it up here.

I grieve over those who think we shouldn't "hope" such things, as if our "hoping" is somehow inconsistent with faith in what the Bible says. Paul hoped that the Last Word on his people was not the Last Word. Please, what I am writing is about what this "hope" is all about; not what I believe finally. But, this "hope" deserves a hearing, at least the way Job's thoughts deserved a hearing. (And his were finally defeated; better yet, transcended; which is what we hope, too.)

So some of us hope that the traditional way is not completely right. We hope this, but we know that our hoping could be misplaced, but we do so for a variety of reasons and I give some of these (you may have others) and some of these are your thoughts and some of them are my thoughts.

Why? Because we have read much on this and we know that many fine Christians who love the Lord and the Bible have taught other things -- including such things as conditional immortality and annihilationism. (I do not speak here for universalists, for that I'm not.) Maybe they are wrong, but they deserve to be listened to.

Why? Because we think the logic of an eternal punishment for a finite sin and a finite human seems inconsistent -- and we believe with many that humans simply cannot -- in space and time -- commit infinite sin and that finite sins against an infinite God are still not infinite sins.

Why? Because we cannot bear the thought of humans we love or know or speak with or have known or know about will spend Eternity in such graphic pain and misery. Those who love their neighbors, at least as much as themselves, cannot look with glee or triumphalism or joy and vindictiveness on Dark Places. We can imagine the horror and it terrifies.

Why? Because we know the grandeur of God's embracing grace, we know the glory of that grace, and we wonder if maybe, somehow, God might even turn hell inside out and upside down -- even though we do not understand it or comprehend how it might be just or know how it would be good. We are among those who fell the pull of God's final grace -- the way Paul feels its glorious pull in Romans 5.

Why? Because we know the ground of reality is the perichoresis, God's interpenetrating love and mutual indwelling of the Trinity in love -- which has been a consistent theme from Gregory of Nyssa to Jonathan Edwards to Miroslav Volf, and we wonder if God's Love might be able to turn human sinfulness into divine grace and glory. And we want that Love to hold our hearts in its embracing grace.

Why? Because we know that the Old Testament does not speak of hell, because we know that what many say about hell is rooted in passages that are about God's historical judgments -- in time, in space, on earth, judgments against his people's unfaithfulness, and because we know that many people today think Jesus was speaking about 70 AD in Mark 13 (parallels) and that the parables attached to that chapter might be speaking of that in-time, in-space, in-history judgment against Jerusalem and because we know that we could be wrong about this interpretation too (but maybe not), and because there is not as much in the New Testament about hell as there is about historical judgment, and because the one book that seems to talk so much about it -- Revelation -- is front to back apocalyptic and metaphor and imagery and symbolism and we just wonder, if maybe even judgment imagery ought not to be taken too literally.

Why? Because we know that even when Jesus speaks about hell he uses graphic physical imagery and we know that human bodies can't go on burning for ever and ever because they will be incinerated, and because we know that "fire" is an image and a metaphor quite often in the Bible for judgment and for purgation and maybe isn't literal. And that therefore we wonder what it might be an image about -- and we wonder and we hope and we do this because we believe in the Bible and hope that it might refer to something as simple as separation (as Lewis wrote in The Great Divorce).

Why? Because we believe God is Sovereign, and that it is his judgment (not ours), and that what he wants to do will be Goodness itself, Beauty itself, and it will always be consistent with his glorious person. We want what he wants.

Why? Because we might be wrong, and we'd like to be wrong because it pains us to hear our brothers and sisters talk the way they do about hell and final judgment as if it doesn't matter and as if humans are dispensable and as if these brothers and sisters have got things so right and that they know they are on the right side -- when the whole Bible points its fingers at attitudes like that.

In his more recent posts, he goes on to give a summary of what McLaren discusses through his characters in ‘The Last Word’. He affirms McLaren’s views that our current version of the gospel is too ‘futurized’ and over-spiritualized.

The focus on heaven and hell of the later church is out of step with Jesus and the NT. The gospel cannot (read: should not) be turned into a mechanism whereby Christians can find a secure eternity nor should it be used to justify a lack of concern with this world. The gospel is designed to transform humans into a community of the kingdom of God.

McLaren has also exposed, again not the first, the spiritualization of the gospel. Again, he traces this briefly into various social conditions, but the point is the same: the gospel is not something just for our spirits or our souls, but for the entire person – heart, soul, mind, and strength – and it designed by God to create an alternative human condition – a community of faith that exhibits and works for love and justice and God’s will. In short, the kingdom of God.

I agree with McLaren and McKnight here. However, the complication arises when McLaren’s characters present their version of the gospel and salvation. To me, their ideas are too heavy on the other side of the scale – as if it is all about the here and now, about God’s kingdom here on earth. If we had only the synoptic gospels (Matthew, Mark and Luke) to read, those ideas would have fit in perfectly with what Jesus taught. The huge problem is that the epistles, especially Romans and Hebrews, seem to be focusing entirely on the spiritual. Jesus came and died to atone for our sins. So where do all these fit in? McLaren touched a little on this issue in what one of his characters, Markus, referred to as ‘a conspiracy theory about Paul and John ganging up against Matthew, Mark and Luke’. The explanation given is unsatisfactory in my opinion. I was not really surprised when I read in McKnight’s post ‘McLaren: A Response to the Last Word and the Word after That’ that he too, felt that the ideas presented in the epistles cannot be reconciled with McLaren’s version of the gospel.

How do the theologies of Paul, Peter, and Hebrews fit into the holistic gospel that McLaren's characters espouse in this novel? In all of this discussion about the gospel there is a constant need for us to check the entire NT and to play Jesus’ vision of the kingdom along with the Pauline vision of salvation (and all his terms) and Peter’s vision and Hebrews’ vision. This is what tends to happen: before long we either socialize Paul – McLaren offers a brief on justification along these lines – or we spiritualize Jesus -- which is a beef for Neil and Dan Poole and then Chip (who is growing into this). Let me be frank: I do think the social justice vision of Jesus is inherent to the gospel, but I’m not sure that we are fair to the NT until we put the soteriology of Romans into play.

McKnight stops his discussion here. I will be looking forward to future posts on his blog regarding this topic. I wonder what his views and beliefs are. I wonder how he will try to reconcile the two seemingly opposing ideas. I think reading his thoughts as well as the comments have been really helpful to me. I don’t feel as alone anymore as I struggle through all these thoughts. He has also helped me to be able to organize and articulate my thoughts better. Reading different opinions in the comments helped me to widen my horizons. Aha! So is this what Pastor Sivin Kit meant when he mentioned communal support? I have always thought that belonging to any community of believers is sufficient in our journey together with God. I have always believed that the more diverse the community is, where everyone has their own unique personality, way of thinking, strengths and weaknesses, the better it is. Our strengths will be able to cover the weaknesses of another. Someone who is not struggling with the same issues as I am will be able to keep me accountable and check on me. Perhaps, in situations like these however, being part of a community that shares the same struggles and thoughts will be much more constructive, e.g. ‘Alcoholics Anonymous’. Maybe we do need some sort of ‘Theologically-Confused Anonymous’ or ‘I-don’t-know-what-the-Bible-teaches-about-Hell Anonymous’!

Shattered Dreams, but Still Hopeful...

It looks like I might not be able to go to Antarctica anymore, due to some problems with the project funding. There goes all my dreams – shattered and flushed down the toilet. I feel disappointed, but not as disappointed as I would have expected. I guess it’s because I have been pessimistic about it since the beginning. I expected something like this to happen. My only hope now is that nobody else applies for that Research Officer position! I will just have to wait and see. Deep down, I still really want to go! And I pray that God will let me go, though the answer may be ‘no’.

Why is It Beautiful?

Today I watched and heard a wren, a sparrow, and the mocking-bird singing. My brain started to trill why why why, what is the meaning meaning meaning? It’s not that they know something we don’t; we know much more than they do, and surely they don’t even know why they sing. No; we have been as usual asking the wrong question. It does not matter a hoot what the mocking-bird on the chimney is singing. If the mocking-bird were chirping to give us the long-sought formulae for a unified field theory, the point would be only slightly less irrelevant. The real and proper question is: Why is it beautiful? ~ Annie Dillard, Pilgrim at Tinker Creek

Why is it beautiful? Why do we perceive certain things to be beautiful, while others are not? Is this perception of beauty a fluke of nature, a product of random processes and natural selection in the battle for the survival of the fittest? Is being able to perceive beauty and sense pleasure required for our survival as a species? For me, there can be only one answer: There must be so much more to the Universe than random processes and survival of the fittest. There must be so much more to space-time than cause and effect. There is design; and purpose as well. These are my thoughts as I continue reading ‘Pilgrim at Tinker Creek’ and ponder at the beauty that we find in the heavens and the earth.

Struggling and Striving on

These few days have been a time of reflection and deep soul searching. What do I really believe in? Am I still a Christian anymore? Or am I just a ‘new kind of Christian’? Maybe one day, when I have the time, I should write down a statement of faith. I wondered about the books that I have been reading. I thought about the words that I have been saying. I sifted through the thoughts that have been gathering at the back of my mind. Have I gone too far with my questions? Should I stop here? Should I just go back to where I was before? Or should I carry on with my search? What’s the point of it all?

Deep within me, I hear a voice, urging me to strive on. This voice grows louder and clearer with each passing minute. I feel a burning desire, a renewed fervor to carry on the search for truth; to wrestle and struggle with God just as Jacob did. I will continue reading what I believe will help me in my search. I will continue to question. I will continue to admit that I still do not know. I may end up going astray but I am willing to risk it. The story of the Church is filled with people who were willing to risk thinking out of the box: Justin Martyr, Augustine of Hippo, Francis of Assisi, Martin Luther, John Calvin, G. K. Chesterton and C. S. Lewis were but a few of them.

Is this the voice of God speaking to me? Or is it just my carnal self? I need my friends to pray with me and confirm if this really is the voice of God. Thank you guys for being concerned (or at least I think you are)! I appreciate your reminders to be careful where I tread. I can sometimes go too far too fast, and your observations persuaded me to slow down and reevaluate myself before going any further. One thing I have learned through this experience is that I need to be careful who I share some of my thoughts with. I am glad that the friends with whom I shared this time were mature and strong enough to hold their own. I hope that I will not be responsible for causing anyone to stumble. Yet, I will continue to struggle and strive on. I will not say that this is what God wills me to do. Too many people have used this phrase for all the wrong reasons. I do not want to be guilty of using God’s name in vain. I will say that this is what I have purposed in my heart to do. I can only hope and believe that this is what God wants too. God help me. And I hope that my brothers and sisters in the body of Christ will continue to keep an eye on me. I realize how important the community of believers is.

I want to know Christ and the power of his resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, and so, somehow, to attain to the resurrection from the dead.

Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already been made perfect, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.

All of us who are mature should take such a view of things. And if on some point you think differently, that too God will make clear to you. Only let us live up to what we have already attained. (Phillipians 3:10-16)

Questions, Musings, and Am I Going Too Far?

I find it a little bit odd that during this retreat, our devotion sessions would turn into theological discussions. Yesterday, Jane’ette initiated musings on the age old question of suffering as she led the devotion session. Why do we suffer? Our conversations over dinner revolved around light-hearted chatter on Christian morality and the danger of causing other Christians to stumble. Tonight, the conversation deepened and touched on the topics of God’s will, freewill, predestination and Hell.

If I had a choice, I would have kept much of what I shared then to myself. With hindsight, I think that would have been the better option. But with all the questions and thoughts that have been running through my head lately, I couldn’t resist the temptation to share what I have read in ‘the Last Word’, as well as all the doubts and unanswered questions that I had. Maybe I have been keeping all these thoughts to myself for far too long and I am now aching for someone to talk to about them. So when some of us in the team began asking questions about why God chooses certain people to go to Heaven and others to Hell, and how the death of non-Christian relatives can become stumbling blocks in their faith, I just blurted my thoughts out. I wonder now if I am in danger of causing others to stumble in their faith. Should I have shared these things with them? Should I have just kept them to myself? There is a growing feeling of regret over what I said, and I wonder now if it is the Holy Spirit trying to tell me something. In a way, I am glad that my friends cannot accept what I shared about the gospel, Hell and salvation. I do not want them to lose their faith and become confused just because of me. And who knows, maybe I am straying away from the faith. Maybe I am losing it. Maybe I am becoming one of those false teachers that Jesus and the apostles warned about. I shouldn’t drag my friends along with me. The discussion ended with my concerned friends cautioning me to stop reading Brian McLaren’s books. Perhaps, I am going a little too far…

Moments Like These...

It is the first day of our mission team retreat. I wouldn’t call it a retreat though, as we will be busy preparing skits, puppet shows and sermons throughout the whole weekend rather than spending moments with God in solitude. What amazed me was how a day filled with anxious and hurried moments ended with a spiritually charged atmosphere that felt so refreshing and invigorating.

It all began when Joash suggested that we as a group have a bonding session where we just share our thoughts and feelings with one another after a whole day of practices. We all agreed to do it then. We didn’t know what to share at first, but someone managed to get the ball rolling. After that, everything just flowed. One after another, disappointments, fears and doubts, interlaced with words of encouragement and support, were brought out into the open. We then began to pray, thanking God for one another, as well as asking Him to carry us through. It was definitely a special and sacred moment. I could feel it in the words, the prayers and the tears. A prayer welled up from deep inside my soul, and I just could not keep it to myself. I felt that it was a prayer that I needed to share when the session came to a close. I prayed it aloud in the end, even though I had not been appointed to close the session:

Our Father in Heaven,
We thank you for special moments like these,
because it is in such moments where we encounter You.
We thank you for humble moments like these,
because it is in such moments where we experience Your awesome power.
We thank You for beautiful moments like these,
because it is in such moments where we see Your glory shining down upon us.
We have been talking about faith recently.
Father, we thank You for sacred moments like these,
because it is in such moments where our faith is strengthened and renewed.
All because Joash decided that we should have a bonding session.
We know it’s You Lord, we know it’s You.

Light and Seeing

In the second chapter of ‘Pilgrim at Tinker Creek’, Annie Dillard talks about seeing. She marvels at the beautiful things that we can see as human beings, from distant galaxies in the night sky, to a tiny amoeba kept in a bottle. She talks about being grateful for the special things that we are able to glimpse for no more than a few seconds, nature’s version of ‘now you see it, now you don’t’. She then carries the reader and puts him in the shoes of those who have been unfortunate enough to have been born blind.

In one of the books she read, the author collected accounts of those who have been born blind due to cataracts, yet were able to have their sight restored when Western surgeons discovered how to remove them. We assume that the patients must have been so grateful for this gift of sight. We imagine what they must have missed all their lives. We would think that when they opened their eyes for the first time, they would have been in awe of what they saw. This couldn’t have been further from the truth. As a matter of fact, most of them couldn’t make out what this new sensation was. They would just be blinded by all the light entering their eyes. They couldn’t understand what they were seeing. To them, everything was all just patches of color. They had no concepts of space and distance. One of the patients couldn’t understand why some parts of certain objects were darker than other parts. He had to be taught that objects cast shadows. They had no notion that objects look larger when they are closer. They did not realize that they can actually ‘bump’ into one of the objects in their vision. On the other hand, some of them actually tried to grasp the Moon. They couldn’t find any meaning in what they saw. Many of them reverted back to their old ways of sensing, by using their hands and tongues to distinguish between objects.

We are so used to seeing objects and interpreting them into 3-dimensional space that we have forgotten that what we actually see is not the real world but just a tiny spectrum of electromagnetic waves that have been reflected into our eyes! We cannot remember how it was like when we first opened our eyes as little babies and saw the world for the first time. The patches of color must have been meaningless to us at first, just like the cataract patients who had their sight restored. We then slowly learned to find meaning in them. We learned how to distinguish between various objects, and then found out about space and shadow.

I wonder if it is the same with the spiritual side of seeing. For those of us who have never sensed God, we cannot find meaning in our first encounters with Him. The apostle John loved to use the metaphors of light and darkness to symbolize God and non-God. He wrote: The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness did not comprehend it. We wonder what all the spiritual patches of color that we call ‘experiences’ mean. We wonder why some of our experiences have shades that are darker than others. We slowly begin to find meaning in these experiences, and begin to see that there are objects closer to us that we can grasp, things that we can understand. However, we also realize that a large portion of the things we see are objects so distant that we cannot reach them, just like the mysteries that surround God and His nature.

Kalau Kristian Macam Mana?

I had a wonderful opportunity to engage in a conversation with some Muslim friends of mine during lunch today. After some usual chatter, one of them suddenly decided to ask me which church I attended. From then on, our dialogue shifted. We began asking questions about each other’s beliefs and faith. As I learnt more and more about Islam, it was not the differences that surprised me but the similarities!

Just like us, Muslims believe in the virgin birth of Jesus, that Mary conceived as a result of God’s miraculous work. Though they do not accept the divinity of Jesus, as well as His death and resurrection, they acknowledge that Jesus did perform many miracles and believe that He will come again during the end times. Just like us, they believe that Jesus will come to judge the world. Why do the Muslims and the Quran hold Jesus (or Nabi Isa) in such high regard? Some people have commented that Islam is a ‘Christian cult’, in the manner of Mormonism, Jehovah’s Witnesses and etc. All these have similarities to Christianity, but do not acknowledge the divinity of Christ. I think Islam has more in common with Christianity than most people would like to admit. But the dialogue was an eye-opener for me.

The Muslims though, just like the majority of Protestant Christians, believe that they will be the only ones who end up in Heaven. No amount of good works can earn a person a place in Heaven. Ultimately, one must believe that Allah is the only God and that Muhammad is His prophet. It’s quite interesting to learn that the Muslims also believe in a Purgatory-like place where they are cleansed of their sins before entering Heaven.

We were discussing about the Muslim view of salvation and Heaven when one of my friends asked: Kalau Kristian macam mana (What about Christians)? It was then that I suddenly realized that I couldn’t give a direct answer. If they had asked me this question a few months ago, I would have fired straight away with the concepts of original sin, salvation by grace and faith alone in Jesus Christ and etc. I didn’t know what to tell them then. Just say I don’t know? In the end, I told them what different Christians believed, including the ‘salvation by faith in Jesus Christ’ version of it. I concluded by saying that we won’t know for sure until we die. All in all, it was a good conversation. May it be the beginning of a fruitful dialogue between us. I would also like to request my friends to pray with me regarding this. I really need the Holy Spirit to speak through me if ever I am allowed more opportunities to have conversations like this in the future. I need God’s wisdom rather than my own limited mind.

I recall another conversation that I had with another Muslim colleague over yahoo messenger about a month ago. She told me that Muslims believe that Nabi Muhammad is ‘the Helper’ that Jesus said would come. We believe that this ‘Helper’ is the Holy Spirit. I told her that I would be interested to get a copy of the Quran and read it, while she would get a copy of the Bible. I haven’t done it yet though. Maybe I’ll get one the next time I go to the bookstore. I think learning more about another religion will help me to be able to engage with them more even as I try to share the good news of Jesus with them.

However, I will indulge myself in some ‘heretical’ thoughts that just occurred to me. What if the Muslims are right? What if Nabi Muhammad is the Helper that Jesus talked about in the gospels? What if the divinity of Jesus was something conjured up by the early Christians? Did Jesus really say that He was God? What if we deconstruct all current Muslim beliefs and go back to what Nabi Muhammad wrote in the Quran and interpret it in the same way we Christians interpret the Bible (in context, rather than literally as the Muslims do), what will we get? A new kind of Muslim? If we can put aside arguments about Jesus’ divinity (considering that the early Christians weren’t sure about it either, and take it as an unknown factor), will that new kind of Muslim be much different from McLaren’s version of a new kind of Christian? Woah! I think I’d better stop here before I get too far! I’m not ready for this!

Pilgrim at Tinker Creek

I continued my reading of ‘Pilgrim at Tinker Creek'. I’m not sure if Annie Dillard is a Christian, a Muslim or just an open Deist (or even New Age spiritualist), but I noticed that she does sense the spiritual in her reflections on nature. This is something that I identify with. I see the glory and beauty of God in creation. In his handiworks I see glimpses of His divine Majesty. With the experience at Fraser’s hill still clear on my mind, I thank God for this beautiful world. Not only that, but for our inherent ability to admire and marvel at it as well.

That it’s rough out there and chancy is no surprise. Every live thing is a survivor on a kind of extended emergency bivouac. But at the same time, we are also created. In the Koran, Allah asks, “The heaven and the earth and all in between, thinkest thou I made them in jest?” It’s a good question.

It could be that God has not absconded but spread, as our vision and understanding of the universe have spread, to a fabric of spirit and sense so grand and subtle, so powerful in a new way, that we can only feel blindly of its hem.

We don’t know what’s going on here. If these tremendous events are random combinations of matter run amok, the yield of millions of monkeys at millions of typewriters, then what is it in us, hammered out of those same typewriters, that they ignite? We don’t know. Our life is a faint tracing on the surface of mystery, like the idle, curved tunnels of leaf miners on the face of a leaf. We must somehow take a wider view, look at the whole landscape, really see it, and describe what’s going on here. ~ Annie Dillard, Pilgrim at Tinker Creek

Starting from Scratch is Tough!

Considering that this blog is new even though I have been keeping an e-journal for quite awhile, some of what I post here may be incomprehensible and confusing, as some of the things I share about will be carried over from there. I am currently going through a process of change in my thinking, theology and understanding of the Christian faith. I will continue to ponder over these issues as the days go by. I am also in the midst of my research, planning for a mission trip, as well as hoping and looking forward to a trip to Antarctica. There are a few groups that I am a part of; many adventures that I am in the middle of. All these combine to make it so difficult to start this blog from scratch. I think it would be easier to just archive the more recent entries of my e-journal here! Maybe I’ll do just that. This would be a good time and place to back-up my journals too, since I have not done that yet. The thought that I could lose my journals due to hard-disk corruption or stolen laptop terrifies me! So I guess this is what I will be doing for the coming days, in addition to my daily entries. Not everything will be here of course, especially those that are a little too personal or are concerning people who have confided in me. Hmmm… I should still back them up somewhere though…

A New Beginning

I have been mulling over starting a weblog for a while. I have always regarded my journals as something personal that should be kept for my own reflection and contemplation. Yet, deep in my heart, I wonder if one day, long after I have passed from this life to the next, my children or grandchildren will discover my journals and read them. Maybe they will be intrigued by this person they never really knew. Maybe they will just throw it away without any hint of interest. Even as I type my daily entries on my laptop, I occasionally feel an urge to share with others the precious gems that I’ve read, the wonderful sights that my eyes have beheld, the thoughts that go through my head, as well as the beautiful moments in life that come as a gift from God.

Not too long ago, I read a book called ‘New Seeds of Contemplation’ by Father Thomas Merton, a Catholic monk and mystic. In it, I found a quote that compelled me to write for a less selfish purpose:

If you write for God you will reach many men and bring them joy. If you write for men, you may make some money and you may give someone a little joy and you may make a noise in the world, for a little while. If you write only for yourself you can read what you yourself have written and after ten minutes you will be so disgusted you will wish that you were dead.

So here I am, with a new blog and a new beginning. Every now and then, I will select portions from my personal journal that I wish to share and put them here. This will be my contribution to the world, no matter how insignificant it may be. Whether it makes a little noise in the world and for how long I don’t know. This is my story, only one in billions of other stories all over; one which makes up just a minute portion of the larger stories that we all find ourselves in.

I name this blog ‘Seeds of Contemplation’, as my personal tribute to the late Father Thomas Merton whose writing inspired me to write for God. I choose the name ‘sojourner’, which means ‘temporary resident’, because that is what we are here on this Earth. It reminds us that our time here is limited; that one day lived is one day less to live. It calls us to live life to the full, to be aware of what God is doing for us, in us and through us. It compels us to live each moment as it comes, because they are gifts from God.

Antarctica or Bust

I gaze into the distance, at the mist covered hills. It is early morning on my last day on Fraser’s hill. I am going to miss this place. I will miss the cool, fresh air; the dull gray hills; the tall pine trees that stand magnificently in the midst of colored flowers and the care-free birds that sing every morning. As I shift my gaze to the nearest pine tree, a small movement catches my attention. On the trunk of the tree is a beautiful bird, hopping up and down the trunk and onto some branches, pecking on the bark occasionally. It looks like a woodpecker, though I’m not sure if there are any woodpeckers in Malaysia. It has a yellow, feathery crest at the back of its dull-red head. Its body and wings are of khaki green. I’ve never seen this species before, and the way it moves vertically on the trunk is weird. It is so near. In a few minutes, it is gone. It decides to fly to another tree. Good bye khaki green bird. Good bye pine tree. I can see a few pine cones hanging tightly onto their branches. I look around to see if I can find any to bring home with me. Not a single one in sight.

It’s been an interesting retreat. My previous retreats have mainly been of a Christian nature. I remember going for a nature camp organized by the Malaysian Nature Society when I was in standard six, but that was a long time ago. I can say this is my first retreat together with other scientists and researchers. With backgrounds as diverse as geophysics to microbiology to microwave engineering, the only thing in common among all the participants is that all of them are in one way another involved in Antarctic research; everyone except me. I had no business here. I am just fortunate enough to be invited by Dr Ewe to help out in the measurements in Antarctica. It is an opportunity I will never pass up. As the other participants shared stories about their trips to the Antarctic, I grew more and more excited. At the same time, its dangers are never far away from my mind. There are also stories of death and falling into cracks. Will I really have the chance to go there? It is a dream that waits to come true. I do not want to raise my hopes too high. I may end up being disappointed.

Lessons on Nature From Professor Pang

I woke up at about seven in the morning. When I walked outside the apartment to look at the valley below, I was amazed. What I thought was a valley in between the two hills turned out to be layers of mountain ranges rising above a sea of white clouds. The hills came in different shades of gray, gradually turning paler as they stretched into the distance. The sun hid behind gray clouds on the horizon, just above the hills. Around me, birds were singing their happy morning tunes as they flew around in search of a meal. I just stood there for a few moments to take it all in. The wonder of it all never ceases to amaze me. I’m so glad to be here.

More first-aid sessions, good food and even a first-aid test followed. When Dr. Ewe arrived in the evening, we were already free to do whatever we wanted. Since he volunteered to drive us around town, we eagerly obliged. We were quite fortunate to have a few biologists tag along with us. Professor Pang, a nice lady from UM gave us a few interesting lessons on nature. We were just taking a few photographs on a hillside when she suddenly pointed out a tiny shrub with little white flowers on the ground. According to her, this is the plant used to make root beer. She uprooted it and crushed the roots so that we could smell it. I pulled another one out of the ground. Indeed, I could smell the sweet fragrance of root beer! She looked around and showed us another plant with yellow flowers. I forgot the scientific name she blurted out, but apparently, people used it on tooth cavities to numb pain. A few of us daringly put a flower on our tongue to try it. I tried too but I couldn’t feel the numbness that the others felt. Maybe I didn’t put enough.

As we were leaving, Mohan saw some spider webs on some shrubs. As it was raining earlier, tiny droplets of water now clung to the webs. A green spider hung in the center. As we looked at it from certain angles, light from the Sun reflected off the water droplets to give the web a shimmering effect. ‘It looks like a galaxy!’ exclaimed Dr Ewe. It was beautiful. The spider knew nothing about astronomy or engineering, yet it could build a structure that looked like an entire galaxy as seen from a distance!

Beauty and grace are performed whether or not we will or sense them. The least we can do is try to be there. ~ Annie Dillard, Pilgrim at Tinker Creek.

We went on to visit the waterfall, but it was in such a sorry state that I didn’t enjoy it at all. The sides of the pool had been cemented while large, black pipes stuck out of the waterfall. A few toilet cubicles stood above one of the river banks. This is what man does when he encounters nature; ‘improve it’ by adding cemented structures, paper and plastic. It was sad.

Despite the waterfall, I enjoyed the trip very much. We also managed to see a snake, some prehistoric looking ferns, as well as various kinds of birds. Even though I love nature, I am no biologist, so I can’t identify them by name. But being around experts in the biological sciences was definitely a rewarding experience! Deep down, I regretted not choosing to study something I really loved in my heart. But then, if not for MMU, I wouldn’t have been involved in the Antarctic Research Program in the first place. I wouldn’t even have met Agnes and learnt so much through the CF! What is there to regret?

Fraser's Hill

We began the long journey to Fraser’s Hill early in the morning today. This is my first time here. I would never have expected to be here so soon after talking about it with John See and Agnes recently. Now I’m here to be part of this retreat organized by the Malaysian Antarctic Research Program, Academy of Sciences Malaysia. On our way, we passed by fish farms, forests and a dam. After two hours of long winding roads, we finally arrived at the Pines Resort to check in.

Am I in Malaysia? The architecture of the buildings on Fraser’s hill reflects a colonial past, most of the buildings being made of stone rather than bricks. In each apartment there is a fireplace, complete with chimneys. Various species of pine and fir trees dot the landscape. I feel like I’m in Europe rather than Malaysia. I like it very much here. I must bring Agnes here one day.

After the highly entertaining and funny first-aid training sessions, as well as good food, I stood on the road that led from the main lobby to the apartments. I looked out into the darkness where two hills gave way to a valley. I couldn’t see anything in the dark, so I just imagined what the view would be like. Insects and nocturnal birds were chirping in the background as I savored the cool air that wrapped around my skin and entered my lungs each time I inhaled. High on top of one of the hills were two red lights that marked the summit of electrical and telecommunication towers. One of them was blinking, slowly but steadily, forlorn and dejected, as if waiting for someone to return. In the distance, lightning flashed from time to time. It felt so good to be with nature again. It did allow me to get my mind off Hell so that I can just savor the beauty of the Earth.

Different Beliefs About Hell

As described in ‘The Last Word’, there are generally four different streams of Christian thought when it comes to the doctrine of Hell. All of them claim to have Scriptural support. Within these streams are many little branches and differences of opinion, so not everybody believes in exactly the same thing. This came to me as a surprise because I have always thought that the doctrine of Hell was universal in its concept. I had the idea that all Christians agreed on Hell and that it was one of the core doctrines of Christianity. It wasn’t a debatable doctrine like the end times, speaking in tongues and baptism of the Holy Spirit for instance. But here we are.

The first one is the exclusivist view. This is the one most of us Protestants in Malaysia are brought up with. All who repent and accept Jesus as their personal Savior and Lord will escape Hell and end up in Heaven. Those who do not do so will end up in Hell, including those who have never even heard of the gospel. The second one is the inclusivist view. This view allows the possibility that there may be others who may be ‘saved’ as well, even though they may not have literally accepted Jesus as their personal Savior. It is open to the notion that God may allow those who have never heard of the gospel, those who are mentally handicapped or even those who have not had the opportunity to make the choice into Heaven.

The third view is called the Conditionalist perspective. According to this view, only those who will be in Heaven will be raised from the dead and have eternal life. The rest of the people will just cease to exist rather than torment in Hell forever. Finally, there is the Universalist view, in which Hell is only a temporary punishment. All will end up in Heaven eventually. In other words, everyone will be saved in the end.

It’s also interesting to see what other people have to say about Hell. I was amazed when I found this on Wikipedia. I remember Brian McLaren mentioning something like this in ‘A New Kind of Christian’:

For many ancient Christians, Hell was the same "place" as Heaven: living in the presence of God and directly experiencing God's love. Whether this was experienced as pleasure or torment depended on one's disposition towards God. St. Isaac of Syria wrote in Mystic Treatises: "... those who find themselves in Hell will be chastised by the scourge of love. How cruel and bitter this torment of love will be! For those who understand that they have sinned against love, undergo no greater suffering than those produced by the most fearful tortures. The sorrow which takes hold of the heart, which has sinned against love, is more piercing than any other pain. It is not right to say that the sinners in Hell are deprived of the love of God ... But love acts in two ways, as suffering of the reproved, and as joy in the blessed!" This ancient view is still the doctrine of the Eastern Orthodox Church.

And this:

The images of hell that Sacred Scripture presents to us must be correctly interpreted. They show the complete frustration and emptiness of life without God. Rather than a place, Hell indicates the state of those who freely and definitively separate themselves from God, the source of all life and joy. ~ Pope John Paul II

Even the Jews do not believe in eternal torment:

In Judaism, Gehenna—while certainly a terribly unpleasant place — is not hell. The overwhelming majority of rabbinic thought maintains that people are not tortured in hell forever; the longest that one can be there is said to be 12 months. Some consider it a spiritual forge where the soul is purified for its eventual ascent to Gan Eden (Heaven), where all imperfections are purged.

What about the Bible? What did the Old Testament Jews believe? What did Jesus say about Hell? What did the apostles and early Christians believe about Hell? As I mentioned yesterday, the Old Testament Jews did not believe in a life after death. There is a place called Sheol where everyone finally ends up, whether good or bad. Most scholars believe that Sheol means death in metaphorical language. However, there are a few passages in the Old Testament that seem to suggest that a small minority of Jews could possibly have had a hope of having everlasting life. Psalm 23 for example, talks about dwelling ‘in the house of the Lord forever’. Whether the word ‘forever’ here was meant to be literal or used in the manner of ‘I will love you forever’ (as suggested by McLaren) is still debatable.

In one of the chapters of ‘The Last Word’, Reverend Dan Poole makes a list of all the passages in the gospels in which Jesus talks about punishment and Hell. For each passage, he lists down the behavior that Jesus was condemning, the punishment, as well as the point that Jesus was trying to make. While reading through the list, a revelation came to me! Yes, Jesus did talk about Hell a lot, especially in the gospel of Matthew, but the peculiar thing is that never once did He say that those who didn’t believe in Him would end up in Hell! Who did Jesus threaten Hell with? Those who call their brothers a ‘fool’, those who do not bear fruit, the Pharisees, those who do not do God’s will, those who didn’t show mercy and etc. No mention of people who do not know Him. So why do evangelical Christians believe that a person who does not accept Jesus as their personal Savior will end up in Hell?

The more I read, the more I realize that our evangelical beliefs on the doctrine of salvation do not make much sense. If God really desires that all men be saved, why would He have provided such an ineffective method for saving people, where people are only saved by believing the right things? Did He choose to save people in this manner knowing that many people will end up not believing in Jesus, not to mention those who don’t even get the chance to hear about Him? If God really desires all to be saved, why can’t He save everyone? Is He governed by an even greater Law that prevents Him from saving those people? I have a hunch that these Protestant doctrines mainly come from what the apostles said and wrote about. I will have to read more about what St. Paul, St. John and co. have to say about salvation and eternal life first. But as far as Jesus is concerned, there is no mention of salvation by faith alone.

I agree with Brian McLaren that our idea of Hell will change our concept of the ‘good news’ and what ‘salvation’ really means. Or is it vice versa? Maybe our idea of what the ‘good news’ and salvation means will change our concept of Hell. But anyway, these ideas are highly correlated. If we believe that Hell is a place of eternal torment where every man is destined to go unless they repent and believe that Jesus died for their sins, then salvation is about escaping Hell and going to Heaven. The good news is that Jesus died for us as an atoning sacrifice so that if we accept Him as our personal Savior, we are saved. On the other hand, if Hell is a place where people are punished for going against God’s justice, then salvation is God’s justice and God’s kingdom come. The good news is that God’s kingdom is at hand and that Jesus showed us how to live so that the world will become a better place.

I still don’t know.

My Thoughts on Hell, So Far...

Like I said, ‘The Last Word and the Word after That’ has been a really unsettling read so far. It is different from ‘A New Kind of Christian’ and ‘The Story We Find Ourselves in’ in the sense that when I read those books, I had already personally deconstructed our evangelical beliefs about the Bible, I already believed in an old universe and I already believed in evolution. So the majority of McLaren’s thoughts and ideas were pretty familiar. The idea that Jesus came not only to save souls, but to usher in the kingdom of God was acceptable to me. That our modern version of the gospel is in fact a reductionist form of the good news that Jesus preached was a real eye-opener.

In ‘The Last Word’, McLaren tries to deconstruct and then reconstruct the doctrine of hell. He raises a lot of questions that our modern evangelical theology cannot answer. Why would a God who is good, merciful and full of love be willing to punish certain people with eternal torment? It does sound more like Satan than God. Is He good but unable to save those people? Does that mean that He is not all-powerful? Is it possible that God is not the merciful and personal God whom we Christians say He is? Will God be happy to see us having parties and celebrating while our neighbors are suffering? Wouldn’t God want us to go and help our neighbors? Then what makes us think that God would be content to let us celebrate and party in Heaven while we are consciously aware that there are other people being tormented in Hell? Then what does the parable of Lazarus and the rich man mean? Did God create the world knowing that many people will end up in Hell? Why then did He bother? Is He that sadistic? Is such a God even worthy to be praised? Is He willing to let His creations suffer forever? What then is Hell supposed to be since Jesus talked so much about it?

Would God be willing to send people who have suffered all their lives on earth to Hell, just because they were not lucky enough to believe the right things? Why does He add his own torment on people who have been tormented by other human beings all their lives? I know of this guy who works so hard by walking from restaurant to restaurant in SK selling ‘keropok’ even though he suffers from a type of condition of the nervous system. This condition prevents him from speaking properly, not to mention walking properly. Am I supposed to believe that God is willing to inflict even more suffering on him just because he did not accept Jesus as his personal Savior? Where does it say in the Bible that we will escape Hell by repenting of our sins and accepting Jesus Christ as our personal Savior? Where does it say that those who do not do so will end up in eternal torment? Does a non-Christian deserve to be in Hell because no Christian decided to evangelize to her? With more than one religion claiming to be the only way to Heaven, is it the person’s fault if he chose the ‘wrong’ one? Does the Bible really say that our eternal destinies are dependent on what we believe? Did Jesus say that?

McLaren attempts to deconstruct our theory of Hell by providing the readers with the history of the doctrine of Hell. It is quite odd that in the Old Testament, there is no mention of Hell or the afterlife. In OT Jewish religion, the Israelites were always concerned about the here and now. Thoughts about the afterlife are rarely mentioned, except in a few verses. Neo tries to explain away these verses. He believes that they are in fact referring to the present life as well (whether McLaren really believes it or not, I am not sure). I cannot accept his explanations though. I still need to do my own research here.

Suddenly, in the New Testament, Jesus starts talking about Hell all the time. The concept of the afterlife and Hell, according to certain sources, originated from Egyptian, Sumerian, Zoroastrian and Greek culture. That was why during Jesus’ time, some of the Jewish sects like the Sadducees, still did not believe in life after death. The Pharisees did though. It seems like their beliefs were borrowed from those foreign cultures and incorporated into their own. Neo’s theory is that Jesus used Hell to turn their own beliefs against them (as He always loved to do). The Pharisees believed that sinners will go to Hell. Jesus then says that those who judge sinners will go to Hell instead. According to Neo, it is not what Jesus says about Hell but what Jesus does with it that is important. It is possible that the Hell concept could have been used by the Pharisees as a sort of ‘Santa Claus’ myth to enforce moral law. Jesus Himself neither endorsed it nor denied it. In the end, our concern should be about God’s justice rather than Hell. The gospel is about God saving the world rather than individual souls. When John and the other apostles talk about those who believe in Jesus having life, they are talking about being able to live life to the full.

These are very risky ideas. I still don’t know what to do with them. At the moment, I will be satisfied to say ‘I don’t know’, just as Reverend Poole did. I pray that God will lead me as I carry on with my search for truth. I may never know the answer until I die, but nevertheless, I will continue to seek. I think the next step for me will be to read through the entire Bible for myself and see what it has to say. McLaren did, however, propose a good way to reconstruct an idea or doctrine. When asked what his nonnegotiables were as he thought through those ideas, Rev. Dan Poole gave four: Scripture, Tradition, Reason and Experience. According to Neo, this is the Methodist theological method - that we always need to consult Scripture and tradition, but they must always be interpreted through reasoning and tested by experience. It is strange, because I have always been taught to test experience with Scripture. But I agree with McLaren here. We Christians have been doing it for ages without realizing it. The question Neo raises is this: What do we do when we cannot reconcile them? The liberals will throw out Scripture and tradition. The conservatives will throw out reason and experience. Reverend Poole gave the wisest answer anyone could give: Then I’ll say I don’t know. I’ll suspend judgment and live with the ambiguity. If I can’t reconcile all four, I’ll say I don’t know. This is what I think about Hell so far: I don’t know.

Kingdom of Heaven

In the evening, a few of us went to watch ‘Kingdom of Heaven’ on the silver screen. I enjoyed it thoroughly for the entertainment. It was cool to see thousands of warriors carrying Islamic banners with crescents marching head to head with crusaders with banners, robes and shields that have been adorned by red crosses. The truth is, I think the crusaders looked really awesome in their armor as they marched. The king especially, though a leper, looked cool with his metal face-mask.

On a deeper level, there are lessons to be learnt from the movie. Though it tries to avoid the real issues of the crusades, the movie does give us a glimpse of what happens when we have ‘bad faith’. ‘God wills it’ became an excuse for anyone to do anything they wanted, including slaughtering those of another religion. This makes me think about all the times when we would use this phrase or those with similar allusions. We should spend RM6 million on a new church building because it is God’s will, even if we don’t need it. We should sack this pastor because we prayed and God spoke to us. I should do this because it is God’s will. Deus Vault! I think I need to be more careful in the future whenever I used words like these. How sure am I that it is God’s will? What is God’s will anyway? Can we be sure of God’s will other than what has been taught us by Jesus Christ? Even that, how sure can we be about our interpretations of what Christ has said?

On the other hand, there are also examples of ‘good faith’, as portrayed by Godfrey and Balian, as well as their followers. They did not have all the answers about salvation. In one scene, Balian asked his father and mentor, Godfrey, if his sins could be erased in Jerusalem. Godfrey didn’t even pretend to know the answers. He simply answered, ‘We will find that out together’. They were far from perfect knights. In fact, they were murderers and adulterers. They were not afraid to admit their doubts about God and the uncertainties that surrounded their faith. Yet, they were on a spiritual journey. Still, they defended the helpless and protected the weak. Their concern was always about the people of Jerusalem, regardless of their race or religion. In contrast to the priests and Templars, Balian and Godfrey always appealed to ‘what is good’ rather than God’s will.

As Christians, we are far from perfect. We do not have all the answers about salvation, God, Heaven and Hell. Contrary to popular belief, I think salvation is not as simple as the 4 spiritual laws and the 3 steps to Heaven. We are all still on a spiritual journey of faith. Like the ‘heroes’ in the movie, we do not need all the answers to be able to have ‘good faith’ that is both compassionate and sincere.

Finding Faith in Nature

I have often wondered about the church, “God, couldn’t you have done a better job than this? Couldn’t you have suppressed hypocrisy more, allowed division and disunity less, edited (or prohibited) late-night religious television more, inspired better music and shorter sermons?” And the answer comes to mind: “Yes, but there would be no room for people like you.” ~ Brian McLaren, Finding Faith

Who do you thank at the gate of the dawn as the hounds of the night back away?
Who do you thank for the morning’s new song, sung by birds as they play?
Who do you thank for the sermon of the sun
Preaching the hope of a new day begun,
Testifying that love’s light has won?
Who do you thank for this kingdom come?
Who do you thank for this mural of life,
The savor of senses sharp as a knife,
The privilege of poignant, the honor of right?
Who do you thank for delight?
Who do you thank for the treasure of home, wrapped in the real of routine,
The blessing of knowing your own flesh and bone, and watching them wake from your dream?
Who do you thank for the structure of souls,
Tied to each other from infant to old,
Beauty so human, so holy to hold?
Who do you thank for such gold?
~ Brian McLaren, Mercy in the Maze

I love to see your high white clouds sailing, Lord,
Like a fleet of mighty galleons on the blue,
And watch white seagulls dive and glide among them.
Your Majesty, they make me think of You…

The rhythm and the roar of ocean breakers,
Like great dark pages they turned as the tide withdrew.
They curled and they crashed and they pounded the surf in the white foam.
Your Majesty, they make me think of You…

I love to watch the dark gray clouds as a storm’s approaching,
And see the willow branches sway as the wind blows through…
See the flashes of lightning, hear the rumbling of Your thunder.
Your Majesty, they make me think of You…

Upon a tall and mighty mountain, with a valley spread below,
I lean into a strong fast breeze and deep inside I know
That all of creation joins in majestic declaration, from a single leaf and flower of clover to a burning yellow star to show,
Your Majesty, how wonderful You are!

Your salmon spawn after fighting up fast river currents.
Your geese migrate each season as you taught them to.
Your great sea turtles return to the beach of their birth.
Your Majesty, they make me think of You…
~ Brian McLaren, Your Majesty

There’s a farm that I know, as a child I would go, and run in its fields below.
Near a barn on a hill stood an old windmill, and in the afternoon sun it would glow…
With the glory of God, the glory of God, the glory of God shining through.
And I pray for you that you’ll see it too, for this life is a search for the glory of God…

There are people I’ve met whom I’ll never forget, full of laughter, some young and some old.
Sometimes on a face, this mysterious grace seems to smile out and shine out like gold.
It’s the glory of God, the glory of God, the glory of God shining through.
And I pray for you that you’ll see it too, for this life is a search for the glory of God…

There are moments that come like a gift from someone who loves you, but you hardly know.
They bring a tear to the cheek, and a catch when you speak, and the meaning you seek seems to flow…
With the glory of God, the glory of God, the glory of God shining through.
And I pray for you that you’ll see it too, for this life is a search for the glory of God…
~ Brian McLaren, The Glory of God

If you tell me that God created the earth ‘by hand’ in six days some thousands of years ago, I’m impressed. If you tell me instead that God set a whole cosmos in motion some billions of years ago, a cosmos perfectly calibrated within the narrowest of margins to produce at least one planet where life would be developed through cause-effect chains that were designed into it by a purposeful Designer… I’m no less impressed; in fact, I may be even more impressed. ~ Brian McLaren, Finding Faith

After all, it’s only the dead butterflies that you can put on pins and display in glass cases. Live ones require you to enjoy their beauty in quick, stolen glances, iridescent here on this clover, swaying there on that goldenrod, pausing there for a few moments for a drink beside that puddle, soon up again dazzling and skipping along on the breeze. Similarly, lightning can’t be captured in a bottle; the wind can’t be conveyed via propositions; springtime can’t be unleashed on demand. I have found Jesus to have the same elusive but blazing vibrancy and reality. This is why I have come to believe in God as I have, and why I believe in Jesus. ~ Brian McLaren, Finding Faith

When we came over the rise where the sea and land opened up to us, I stood in stunned silence and then slowly walked toward the waves. Words cannot capture the view that confronted me. I saw space and light and texture and color and power… that seemed hardly of this earth. Gradually there crept into my mind the realization that God sees this all the time. He sees it, experiences it, knows it from every possible point of view, this and billions of other worlds. Great tidal waves of joy must constantly wash through his being. It is perhaps strange to say, but suddenly I was extremely happy for God and thought I had some sense of what an infinitely joyous consciousness he is and of what it might have meant for him to look at his creation and find it ‘very good’… he is simply one great inexhaustible and eternal experience of all that is good and true and beautiful and right. This is what we must think of when we hear theologians and philosophers speak of him as a perfect being. This is his life.
~Dallas Willard, The Divine Conspiracy

I finally finished Brian McLaren’s ‘Finding Faith’. Like me, He enjoys experiencing God through nature. His reflections on nature and life are so beautiful that I wish there could be more books written on this topic. He just makes me want to go out into the wild again so that I can search for the glory of God in those places. Maybe this is why I want to go to Antarctica so much. I ache for the loneliness of its icy wilderness. I miss the stars, the grass, the trees and the sea. I see so much beauty in creation. I wonder when will be the next time I can savor it. Maybe this beauty is all around me. It’s just that I have forgotten to take the time to notice it. I made it a point to get hold of one of the books he recommended, ‘Pilgrim at Tinker Creek’ by Annie Dillard.

The People Helping Process

For today’s session of the ‘How to be a People Helper’ course, we learnt some very useful lessons on people helping based on the encounter between Jesus and two of His disciples on the road to Emmaus (Luke 24:13-35).

Just as Jesus came alongside his disciples in the encounter, we need to be willing to meet people where they are. We should not wait for people to come to us. Don’t ask, ‘Why don’t people come and see me?’

Jesus began by asking questions. His questions were open-ended.

Jesus listened. He gave his disciples an opportunity to speak, share and express their frustrations even though He already knew what they were going to say. He already knew their problems. We need to let others express their thoughts and feelings even though we think we might already know what they are going to say.

Jesus confronted when He needed to.

Jesus helped his disciples to see their own errors.

Jesus got close by choosing to stay with them.

Jesus left them after awhile so that they could be independent and spurred to action

In the helping process, there are generally six steps. Step 1 involves building rapport with the helpee, so that we earn their trust and the right to be their helper. Step 2 involves clarifying the issues of the helpee. We need to understand the situation fully before we attempt to give suggestions. If the problem involves two or more parties, it is better to hear it from all sides before coming to any conclusions. In Step 3, we need to help the helpees explore alternatives by discussing the various options or actions that are available to them. One way this can be done is to use the worst case scenario. Ask them, ‘What could be the worst thing that can happen if you do this?’ After that, we can move on to Step 4, which is to stimulate change or action in the helpee. The helpee needs to decide what his or her next course of action is and do it. We can ask them what they plan to do. We MUST let them make their own decisions instead of making decisions for them. This will enable them to own the decision. If not, the helpee may blame us when things go wrong. After that, the results need to be evaluated to see if the course of action is working. Should the helpee consider other options? Should the helpee reattempt the previous action? In the final step, the helper-helpee relationship is terminated. When the helpee is ready, we must be willing to let go. Let them fly away. Do not let them cling to you. Even if they don’t thank you or appreciate you, it doesn’t matter. We are helping people, not accumulating people.

A few important points were raised by Rev. David. As people helpers, we must be ready to bear the cost. Some people might take advantage of us. Others may misunderstand us or misinterpret what we are trying to do. In addition to that, we have to always remember that it is the Holy Spirit that is doing the work. The Holy Spirit is the one who solves the problems, not us. In each step of the process, we need to rely on the Holy Spirit.

Of Antarctica and Purgatory

I received a most unexpected invitation this morning! Dr Ewe called me and asked if I would be interested to help out with the ground measurements in Antarctica! Of course I would! I couldn’t contain my excitement. Neither could I stop smiling or try to conceal my joy! I was elated. Was I dreaming? Could it really be true? I have always wished that I could one day join some of my colleagues for a trip there. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity! I definitely want to go, and I really hope that I will finally be able to go there. God, please, please let me be able to go to Antarctica. I beg You! I think I will die a happy man if I can go there and experience what it is like there. How many people on this earth get to boast that they have been to Antarctica? I nonchalantly told Dr Ewe that I would be interested. I didn’t want him to know that I was in fact very eager to go! But then, I still wonder if it will all come true. What happens if Dr Ewe suddenly decides to give the place to someone else? What if I get sick? What if something happens that prevents me from going? What if I die before that? God, I want so much to go there. Please let me go! I know things are in Your hands! I feel just like a kid begging his father for this toy that he has wanted all his life. It would be a dream come true for me.

Yesterday, as I was explaining the doctrine of salvation and its three parts (justification, sanctification and consummation), I mentioned that Christians generally believe that when we go to Heaven, we are consummated and made perfect. We then sin no more. Jane asked: You mean we can’t sin anymore when we go to Heaven? I answered: How can there be sin in Heaven? Her reply: But the Devil was there with God in Heaven and he sinned against God in Heaven. She does have a point there. I’m sure we won’t know till we die and actually go to Heaven. I wonder though. Jane also raised other questions, like ‘If we somehow just can’t sin anymore in Heaven, wouldn’t that be restrictive on our freedom? Wouldn’t we be just like robots?’ I wonder too. If we just don’t have the capacity to sin anymore in Heaven, then we are no longer free creatures. Or can we have freedom yet be incapable of sinning, meaning we have the freedom to do what we want except to sin? But if this is the case, why didn’t God make it this way since the beginning when He created the world?

With these questions lingering somewhere in my head, I was a little surprised when I stumbled upon a link on Sivin Kit’s blog to an article on the Purgatory. Could it be possible that there is a place where God continues to sanctify us after we die? Could there be a place where we willingly make choices to change to be more and more like Jesus until we are ready to go to Heaven? This may be able to answer some of the questions Jane raised. So we don’t lose our freedom in Heaven. Rather, we have reached a point where we would choose not to sin anymore. We have been sanctified and consummated, made perfect in Christ. I had an interesting chat with Nick about it today.

A Walk Through Time

Katherine came to Penang today with her colleagues for their company outing. We took advantage of it by asking her to join us for lunch so that she could meet Nick and Bob. After lunch, we decided to visit the War Museum, which Bob highly rated.

I loved the place from the moment I stepped out of the car. We were on top of a hill overlooking the sea. Below us, there were a few floating, wooden platforms that were used to breed fish. As we paid the entrance fees, a wonderful lady at the counter gave a brief overview of the entire place, explaining that the museum was once a British fort that was taken over by the Japanese during World War II. They then used it as a POW camp before surrendering to British forces at the end of the war.

Most of the buildings are still there, though the huge guns that supposedly had a range of about 15700 meters had been destroyed by the British before they retreated from the Japanese onslaught. As we entered the old buildings, some of them with bullet holes in the walls, it felt as if I had been transported into the past. I could almost hear the screams of the tortured POWs when I entered the torture chamber. I could feel the presence of British, Malay and Indian soldiers of ages past as I walked into the quarters and command center. It was eerie sometimes, but it was definitely a walk to remember. A recently constructed memorial was dedicated to those who had lost their lives while defending the country. It does invoke in me a sense of gratitude for these men and women. I don’t know why but I have never been so interested in history before!

For me, the highlights of the museum were the tunnels and escape routes. We were actually allowed to enter the tunnels that had been used as air raid shelters. The ceiling was low and we had to crouch as we walked inside. It was pitch black inside and we had to depend on nick’s tiny flashlight. I wouldn’t want to have to stay in such a place for hours! There was also an escape tunnel where we had to crawl on our knees for about 100 feet before reaching a ladder that rose about one storey up. We had to climb that ladder before we could get out. As I was waiting at the foot of the ladder for Adrian to climb up, an airplane flew by. I could hear the loud roar of its engines and for a moment, the whole tunnel seemed to vibrate with it. It was as if enemy planes were passing by and dropping bombs!

It was a great experience. I would bring friends there again if I had the opportunity. I wonder why this place has not received more publicity. I think it deserves more. As we were about to go home, we met a friendly man who was a caretaker of the place. We talked more about the museum and he shared with us more information about the place. We promised that we would help him to publicize it more by word of mouth.

We left the War Museum and continued to drive round the island before dropping Katherine at Eden Seafood Village where she rejoined her colleagues. I couldn’t help but feel proud of the War Museum. I am proud of Penang. It is really a wonderful place to be. The hills on one side, the sea on the other side, its long history, all play their parts to make Penang a beautiful and enchanting island!