Wednesday, March 30, 2005

Something Beautiful


Looking back at the past weeks, I can sense that something beautiful is happening to my life. The two books, ‘A New Kind of Christian’ and ‘The Story We Find Ourselves in’, have touched me deeply, like no other Christian book has done before. All I can say is: Thank You Lord, for people like McLaren, and books like these. I’m quite certain that Your Spirit is behind these books. I’m quite certain that it is Your Spirit speaking to me through them.

I feel refreshed and invigorated. It is as if I have found something new and exciting. I realize that I have found a better way to be a Christian; a way that is more Christ-like; a way that allows all my other fragmented beliefs to be embraced as a whole. The scientific side of me that believes in the big-bang, an old earth as well as evolution; my love for nature and astronomy; my wild imagination that causes me to foray into the realm of science fiction and fantasy; all these can now be made whole, as part of my story in God’s story for the whole universe. I’ve never been so excited about God, Jesus and Christianity before. It’s like I’ve found Jesus all over again! Maybe I did, in a new way! I can’t help but feel like I want to share what I’ve discovered with my friends!

God has also been teaching me a few things through these books. Firstly, it is humility. I sense a subtle change in me. In situations in which I would have been critical and judgmental, I am now able to suppress these thoughts. Secondly, as I mentioned yesterday, I am beginning to look forward to the time when I will meet God. I could feel an indescribable sense of peace and warmth overwhelming me today as I read the final chapter of ‘The Story We Find Ourselves in’. I now wonder what it is like in the next part of the story, and I am excited! Through these books, I’ve learned to look at the world and my mission here on earth in a new way. It’s not just about converting people and getting people ‘saved’ so that they can get their butts to Heaven. It is more about living out and sharing the gospel in its fullness; by loving my neighbors and making this world a better place, as well as helping others to see God’s story so that they will join Him in His mission.

It’s difficult to describe this feeling. Whatever it may be, I know that it is something good and beautiful. I have faith that it is from God. I want to believe that it came from God.

It often happens that an old brother who has spent his life making cheese or baking bread or repairing shoes or driving a team of mules is a greater contemplative and more of a saint than a priest who has absorbed all Scripture and theology and knows the writings of great saints and mystics and has had more time for meditation and contemplation and prayer. ~ Thomas Merton, The New Seeds of Contemplation

To think that a man could be proud of this joy, once it had discovered him and delivered him, would be like saying, “This man is proud because the air is free.” “This other man is proud because the sea is wet.” “And here is one who is proud because the mountains are high and the snow on their summits is clean and the wind blows on the snow and makes a plume of cloud trail away from the high peaks.” Here is a man who is dead and buried and gone and his memory has vanished from the world of men and he no longer exists among the living who wander about in time: and will you call him proud because the sunlight fills the huge arc of sky over the country where he lived and died and was buried, back in the days when he existed? ~ Thomas Merton, The New Seeds of Contemplation

The Story We Find Ourselves In


Without any courses or meetings to attend today, I finally had a little time of peace and quiet to be alone by myself and to do my own things. I made sandwiches for dinner, and went straight into my room and opened ‘The Story We Find Ourselves in’. I spent the whole night reading, something I hadn’t done for quite awhile. It felt good to be able to do that again. No distractions. No interruptions, except for when I decided to take a bath in between.

It was beautiful. McLaren seems to be really good with words. He paints beautiful pictures with his words and his stories. In this book, Neo talks about the broad story of the universe, the story we find ourselves in. We all have our own story, but our stories are only a minute element of the larger story of the world we live in as well as the entire universe. I love the way he looks at the world. I love the way he looks at God and Jesus. I love the way he tells this story.

In the final part of the story, Neo talks about the Consummation. He tells the rest of the characters to look at history and the future differently. Instead of looking at time as the past pushing the present into the future through causalities, see the future as beckoning the present to come to it, and pushing the past away. Just like a father letting go of his baby as she takes her first steps, God creates the universe. God lets the universe go, to form itself and to create its own story. He gives us the freedom to write our own story, and to decide if we want our story to be part of His dream for the world. We fall, like the baby who is uncertain of her steps. We make mistakes and we stray. But our Father picks us up. He intervenes by sending Jesus. Jesus shows us how to walk. Then He shows us how much it pains the Father every time we fall or decide to go our own way, by dying on the cross. Yet, God is not just like the father who lets go of the child and who walks beside the child. God is also like the mother waiting on the other side of the room. Her arms are outstretched as she beckons for her precious baby to come to her. She calls out to her, and waits. God calls out to us from the future. Slowly, like the little baby, we go to Him, waiting for the day when we will rest in His arms. Yet, it is not the end of our story. It is the end of this story, but another story begins; a story that we cannot hope to imagine. This is the consummation – the new story.

Kerry died not long after Neo told this last part of the story. Now she was part of it. I’m beginning to look forward to being part of the last portion of this story that we find ourselves in. I have been thinking about death recently, especially with the earthquake and all. This wonderful book has helped me to look forward to it, and not to be afraid of it. Neo did talk about what he thought about judgment and the life after, and it was really wonderful. I never saw it that way before.

Tuesday, March 29, 2005

Tremors in the Night

After Bible study last night, everyone went home as usual. Everything was normal. Nothing unusual was happening on this quiet and peaceful night. All my housemates were asleep. I went to my room and picked up a book to read. Then the whole building started to sway. At least, that was what I thought. I sat still on my bed, trying to see if I had imagined it or if it was me who was swaying. It seemed real enough. I went into the living room and stood there. Still, it felt as if the whole building was rocking. My heart started to race as I wondered if the whole building was going to collapse. I woke Agnes up and asked her if she felt anything. ‘No’ she replied, and went back to sleep. I went outside and almost wanted to go downstairs, mainly out of fear and anxiety. What was happening? Was it the building? Or was it just me?

That was when the screams began. I couldn’t make out what the people were shouting about. I could hear doors slamming and people running. Something was definitely wrong. At that moment, I really felt like running down the stairs. I was afraid. I half expected the building to collapse at any moment. But something made me go back in. I woke Agnes up and told her that something was wrong. We needed to go down, I told her. I walked outside again as she changed. Our neighbours were already out of their homes and walking towards the staircase. They had felt the swaying too. I ran in and woke Dawn up. Agnes went and woke Pek Wern and Pek Hsia. I was getting more and more restless and anxious. Dawn was still in her room, changing.

In the end, we all managed to arrive safely downstairs. There was already a large crowd on the street outside the guardhouse. Most of our friends were already there. Nothing happened. The building did not collapse. I still had no idea what had happened, but that swaying feeling had disappeared. I had a hunch that there could have been another earthquake in Indonesia, as I had read recently that a few scientists had predicted that a large earthquake would occur again in the region. I was right. As people began to make phone calls and news began flooding in, we learned that there had been another earthquake off the coast of Sumatera, not far from the center of the December 26th earthquake that resulted in tsunamis that led to the loss of about 300 000 lives region wide. We waited. I did not bring my handphone along, so I borrowed Dawn’s to call my dad to tell him of the news.

While waiting for the security guards to allow us back home, Dawn, Agnes and I went to a nearby mamak to listen to the news. It was official. CNN was already reporting about the earthquake, which had measured 8.7 on the Richter scale; almost as massive as the previous one. Fears of a repeat of the December 26th tragedy caused officials in the region to take action. In Penang, people living near the shore had been advised to evacuate to higher ground. In Acheh, a mass exodus had already begun. In Thailand, officials have warned the coastal provinces to be on the alert. Scientists were expecting another wave of tsunamis. I called my parents again and advised them to be careful.

We were finally allowed to go home at about 3 am. There were still anxieties. What about the aftershocks? Is the building safe enough? Somehow, I do not trust Malaysian construction companies, well known for being corrupt and compromising on expenses. We turned on the TV and continued watching the news on NTV7. Dawn, Agnes and I ended up sleeping in the living room. At about 4 something in the morning, an announcement was made over the speakers. I couldn’t hear what it was, but people were going down again. There was already a small group gathering on the street below. This time we stayed home, since the guards did not take any further action. But my mind remained disturbed. I couldn’t even sleep in peace.

Agnes and I went to work late this morning. I guess lots of other people did too. I learned that people living in high rise buildings all over Malaysia had been evacuated. The tremors were that powerful. I then realized something peculiar about the earthquakes which Gim Han had noted on his yahoo status. It was that the first earthquake happened a day after Christmas. This one happened a day after Easter. I wonder.

There were no tsunamis as expected. Only 350 people lost their lives. Only. The hundreds of thousands of people that had died in the previous earthquake have made us numb to figures such as these. The world will not mourn for them in the same way that we did for those who perished on December the 26th. Nevertheless, these 350 people were still husbands, wives, mothers, fathers, and children to another. These people had faces, names, emotions and a life story to tell. Not anymore. Meanwhile, the rest of us live on to face yet another day.

Monday, March 28, 2005

Mercy Undeserved


Now, our God, hear the prayers and petitions of your servant. For your sake, O Lord, look with favor on your desolate sanctuary. Give ear, O God, and hear; open your eyes and see the desolation of the city that bears your Name. We do not make requests of you because we are righteous, but because of your great mercy. ~ Daniel 9:17-18

People talk about the prayer of Jabez, for whatever reasons that may make his prayer so special. I never bothered about the ‘prayer of Jabez’ craze, and I still do not know what it’s all about. What about the prayer of Daniel? Nobody talks about it, but what an attitude! Daniel prayed with total humility. He never for a moment thought that he did anything to deserve an answer from God.

Many of us forget that God does not owe us anything. We do not deserve anything from Him, neither should we expect that God should listen to our prayers and respond to them, being the sinners that we are. Yet, He does. Daniel is right. We do not make requests to God because we deserve it. Rather it is because of God’s great mercy that we dare to ask and pray. This is something that I can draw out of today’s Bible study.

Sunday, March 27, 2005

Books and More Books!


After what felt like a long time, I finally purchased a copy of ‘The Story We Find Ourselves In’, the sequel to ‘A New Kind of Christian’. Now I can get back to my adventures with Neo and Dan. Now we have Kerry, Glenn, Maricel, and a host of other interesting characters along for the ride.

I bought that book yesterday. To my delight, MPH was having a storewide sale, which will last till the 29th of March. Not content with just one book, I went back there after church today to buy more books! I have recently been inspired to read something about the history of Christianity, and how it evolved in the last 2000 years. I would love to know our heritage as Christians, the story that we find ourselves in; the good times and the bad times; the whole life of the Church from its roots up till now. Maybe I can learn more about how the culture has influenced the Church and vice-versa. I hope to get a glimpse of what God has been doing in the world and in the Church in the last 2 centuries. Fortunately, I was able to find a book called ‘The Story of Christianity’, lavishly and beautifully illustrated to satisfy all my curiosities and whims while ensuring that I don’t get bored to death. I also bought ‘The Spirituality of the Psalms’ by Walter Brueggemann, and ‘Stories of Emergence’, which I stumbled upon by accident. Time to dig in and find out more!

Saturday, March 26, 2005

Convinced Martyrs

Agnes bought the latest Newsweek magazine featuring an article on Jesus and how He became the Christ. Written from neither a Christian nor a skeptic’s perspective, the author chose to sit on the fence as he explained how early views about Jesus changed from Him being the military messiah to God’s sacrificial lamb for the atonement of sins. It wasn’t easy for the early Church then. They had to wrestle with disappointment and disillusionment after Jesus’ death. All their hopes and dreams fell apart when their messiah died a criminal’s death. They had to struggle with their understanding of Jesus and His mission. They had to rethink their ‘theology’. They had to grapple with conflicting views of this Jesus who seemed to be appearing to them sporadically. Sometimes, they couldn’t even recognize Him! Was the risen Christ a human in physical form? Was He a ghost? Thomas seemed to be able to touch Him, yet, there were times when it seemed as if He could walk through walls! The only thing that was certain was that the tomb of Christ was empty.

It was about this time, in the midst of all the confusion, that the disciples began to believe that Jesus’ mission was never to lead them in a political or military revolution. They slowly began to recall that Jesus may have told them this during His ministry on earth. Could the disciples have been mistaken? And their recollections nothing more than a mere delusion borne out of disillusionment? Whatever it was, they were willing to die for those beliefs.

I felt particularly disturbed by one of the illustrations in the article. It was a painting that depicted Romans with whips herding a group of lions and tigers back into their pens in a coliseum. On the ground are bits and pieces of human body parts, torn apart by the animals. There is blood everywhere. On the lower left hand corner, lies the bloodied, naked body of a woman. In the background, charred human bodies hang on wooden crosses, some of them still covered in flames. Martyrs… men, women and children, who died because they were so certain that Jesus died for them. What convinced them so?

Friday, March 25, 2005

The Passion of the Christ

Jesus Christ died for us. We say these words so often. We sing it in our songs. We hear it from the pulpit almost every Sunday. They have become a part of our liturgy and creed. For many of us, these words have lost their meaning. They have lost their power. We have forgotten what it really means. We have forgotten what it took for Jesus to endure the agony of the cross. We have forgotten what God the Father went through as His only begotten Son hung there. We have forgotten what a mother who had spent 30 years raising her child felt as she looked on helplessly as the crowds had their way with Him.

Yet, every year, we are called to remember. This year on Good Friday, it is no different. Watching Mel Gibson’s ‘The Passion of the Christ’ at Putera Aman Assembly, I remembered again. Even though I wasn’t there on the streets of Jerusalem, nor ever was I on the windy slopes of Golgotha, I remembered the immense suffering and rejection that Christ went through. I cried. In my mind, I began to form images of my own possible futures; going through intensive chemotherapies and dying in pain on a bed in a hospital somewhere; crashing into the sea at hundreds of miles an hour before being engulfed by burning jet fuel; drowning in a tsunami; all these pale in comparison to what our Christ went through. I thought about the mission to Sarawak, about the difficulties that I may have to go through. It would be shameful if I were to label these slight discomforts as suffering, in light of the pain that was inflicted on Christ.

The three years of Christ’s ministry on earth were all about action, as Christ went about teaching, healing and redeeming the lost. In the final days that led to His crucifixion, His ministry was all about passion, as He was led where He would rather no go, mocked, scourged, pierced and killed. Both action and passion were for the glory of God. Our lives as Christians are filled with action. We want to do things for God. We want to do things for people. However, there will come a time when we will have no choice other than to be passive and let God lead us where we would rather not go. It is then, that others will do things to us, and things will happen to us that will be beyond our control. Persecution, rejection, pain, suffering, and finally death; these will be our passion. May our passion, just as our action, be for the glory of our God.

Thursday, March 24, 2005

Four Virtues when Dealing with Change and Time

I downloaded a few audio clips featuring the general sessions and panel discussions at the 2004 Emergent Theological Conversation. I listened to the first clip, and found a short sharing by Mark Douglas, a teacher in Christian Ethics, very helpful. He talked about four virtues that he felt was necessary for those who were a part of the emergent dialogue. Two of these virtues deal with the past, one of them deals with the present, and the last one deals with the future.

· Gratitude

None of us will be where we are today, were it not for the fact that the people who came before us thought these things before and helped us to get where we are. When we are dealing with change, we need to be thankful to those who have come before us. If it were not for them, we wouldn’t have come this far. If it were not for what they’ve done, we wouldn’t even be in this place to criticize them.

· Forgiveness

The people who came before us may not have done everything right. They may not have found the answers to everything, and what worked for them may not work for us in our own context. We may not agree with everything that they have done or not done. But we need to learn to forgive them for these things. We need to recognize that they couldn’t give us all the answers we need in our context because they are not us, and we shouldn’t expect them to.

· Humility

We have to expect that the people who come after us will be dealing with the same problems with us, that we are dealing now with the people who came before. Do not expect then, that we will have all the answers and will solve all the problems. We need to learn to be humble and accept that what may work for us now, may not work for those who come after us. Let us leave all the solving of history and change to God, who will deal with these issues in His own time and wisdom.

· Hope

A lot of us are driven by a feeling of bleakness, fear and doubt about the future. We are uncertain about the future. We need to trust and believe that the future will work itself out, because God is working in time. He will do whatever is necessary. Let this be our hope, that God makes all things beautiful in His time.

Wednesday, March 23, 2005

Finding Out More

I took some time today to browse through Pastor Sivin Kit’s blog and Brian McLaren’s website to look for more articles and information on the emergent. I got to read a few good articles in ‘Christianity Today’ and some responses to them. I also found out that there is actually an emergent Malaysia yahoo group! While reading some of the posts, I came across this interesting quote:

D. L. Moody's reply to one who was criticizing his preaching and evangelism methods in the late 1800s, "What method are you using to witness?" To which the critic stammered something like, "Uh, I don't witness much." And Moody's reply was, "Well, I like my method over no method at all."

My first thought after reading this is that the guy criticizing D. L. Moody sounds just like me! I am sometimes so critical about what churches are doing, that I forget that I am much worse off not doing anything at all!

After today, what do I know about the emergent? First of all, it is a conversation; a dialogue. McLaren refuses to call it a movement. It is a conversation that is being carried out throughout Christian communities all over the world. These people are trying to see what God is doing in the world and how they can be part of what God is doing. They sense that Christianity needs to be redefined in the context of today’s postmodern culture, yet remain true to the Spirit of God and the Word of God. They believe that much of what we call ‘Christianity’ today has been greatly affected by culture. It is time to sift these cultural identities out and to find out what it really means to follow Jesus in this age. This includes being more mission-oriented:

Yet recently McLaren has started to sketch the outlines of his vision of a postmodern church. He sketches a big circle labeled "self," a smaller circle next to it labeled "church," and a tiny circle off to the side labeled "world."
"This has been evangelicalism's model," he says. "Fundamentally it's about getting yourself 'saved'—in old-style evangelicalism—or improving your life in the new style. Either way, the Christian life is really about you and your needs. Once your needs are met, then we think about how you can serve the church. And then, if there's anything left over, we ask how the church might serve the world."

He starts drawing again. "But what if it went the other way? This big circle is the world—the world God loved so much that he sent his Son. Inside that circle is another one, the church, God's people chosen to demonstrate his love to the world. And inside that is a small circle, which is your self. It's not about the church meeting your needs, it's about you joining the mission of God's people to meet the world's needs."
~ Andy Crouch, ‘The Emergent Mystique’, Christianity Today.

It may also include rethinking about what the good news really is. Is it just about saving souls? Is it just about getting to Heaven? Or could it be more than that?

Whichever direction it is that the Emergent is going, I really do admire their approach. There is no criticism and condemnation of previous generations and other schools of thought. There is no pride. They do not try to break out of the church to form a new denomination, but rather, they seek to bring a change in their own churches and denominations. They do not impose their reasoning and ideas on others who cannot accept it, but instead, they accept that God still has a role for these people in His kingdom and in the world today. They do not claim to know everything; neither do they claim to have answers to every question. They themselves are unsure of where all these conversations are going, yet they believe that God will bring about the necessary changes in His own time.

Emergent, whose leaders are evangelicalism's own sons and daughters, may yet contribute something more profound than one more fleeting form of cultural relevance. At least that's what Rob Bell hopes. "People don't get it," he told me. "They think it's about style. But the real question is: What is the gospel?" That question, of course, is not new. It was asked by, among others, a devout young German monk named Martin Luther who found church increasingly dissatisfying. His answer, rooted in Scripture, changed the direction of Christian history at a moment of epochal cultural change. Is it possible that a compelling new answer could emerge from McLaren's "conversation"? ~ Andy Crouch, ‘The Emergent Mystique’, Christianity Today.

Tuesday, March 22, 2005

In the Desert of Despair...

In recent times, life has been relatively smooth. It has been a long time since I have been depressed, sad or troubled to the point of despair. Yes, there have been tense moments in which I have been overcome by worry and anxiety, but nothing that would make me weep in anguish. I thanked God for blessing me so much, and I felt that I thoroughly did not deserve it at all. During sharing in our SK Bible study yesterday, Yuet Pei asked us for a weather report on ourselves. I shared that I could see a rainbow, because everything had been so smooth, and God had given me such wonderful experiences throughout the week. Not long after I shared that, everything turned to darkness.
But when the time comes to enter the darkness in which we are naked and helpless and alone; in which we see the insufficiency of our greatest strength and the hollowness of our strongest virtues; in which we have nothing of our own to rely on, and nothing in our nature to support us, and nothing in the world to guide us or give us light – then we find out whether or not we live by faith.

It is in this darkness, when there is nothing left in us that can please or comfort our own minds, when we seem to be useless and worthy of all contempt, when we seem to have failed, when we seem to be destroyed or devoured, it is then that the deep and secret selfishness that is too close for us to identify is stripped away from our souls. It is in this darkness that we find true liberty. It is in this abandonment that we are made strong. This is the night which empties us and makes us pure. ~ Thomas Merton, The New Seeds of Contemplation

Monday, March 21, 2005

The Adventure Stops, For Now

After spending just one week on McLaren’s ‘A New Kind of Christian’, I have finally come to the end of the book. I can say that this book has been a refreshing read. I find myself thinking more about the issues that have been raised about the effects of culture on Christianity. How we read the Bible, how we view the Church, the role of the Church in the world and what the gospel really means; maybe it is time we rethink all these things. I share in many of his thoughts, yet there are others that really frighten me. I can’t wait to get my hands on the second book, ‘The Story We Find Ourselves in’, and have further adventures with Neo, Dan and possibly CB. As for now, I’ll have to be content with reading articles on the Emergent and postmodern Christianity. I’m curious to find out more about it, maybe even participate in their dialogues.

Sunday, March 20, 2005

Words of Wisdom from Neo (and Dan)

I don’t condemn them for this, but I see their situation as a mirror for my own self-examination ~ Neo, A New Kind of Christian.

I may share in some of the views that Brian McLaren has about the Bible, the Church and on spirituality, but there is something about him that I do not have – a spirit of humility that seems to hold him back from being too judgmental on others. Every time he talks about a group of people with whom he doesn’t agree with, I can sense this humility and genuine belief that he could be wrong as well. This quote from Neo underlines it perfectly. I am no different from those people whom I tend to judge. Instead of condemning them, I should ‘see their own situation as a mirror for my own self-examination’. Am I guilty of the same sins? Do I fail miserably if I measure myself with the same expectations I have set for these people?

The people who talk the most about God are the ones most in danger of taking him for granted, of letting God become just a comfortable word in their lexicon, a piece of furniture, rather than a reality, a friend, a constant surprise. The people who talk the most about loving God are the ones most in danger of being PROUD of how much they love Him. The people who speak most vehemently against sin are the most in danger of feeling superior to those whose sins they excoriate, thus falling prey to an even more horrible, subtle species of sin. And since they preach so hard against sin, they are also in the most danger of yielding to the temptation to hide the sins they themselves commit. ~ Neo, A New Kind of Christian

I look back over my years in ministry and ask what has really helped people change and deepen spiritually: (1) youth retreats, (2) short term mission trips, (3) some small groups (I say some – others were a waste of time), (4) many one-to-one relationships, (5) getting people involved in leading something or serving somewhere. ~ Dan, A New Kind of Christian

I look back over my years as a Christian and ask what has really helped me change and deepen spiritually: (1) retreats (not the over-hyped ones with packed schedules and in which nobody gets enough sleep, but those involving small groups of people intent on seeking rest in God), (2) short term mission trips, (3) some small groups I have been involved in, (4) many one-to-one relationships, (5) getting involved in leadership and serving somewhere.

Saturday, March 19, 2005

Roseline's Wedding

My friends are getting married! This is a sign that I am becoming old. I am moving into a new phase of life. Soon, I’ll be looking forward to the weddings of my friends’ children. There was a large group of us MMUCF graduates attending Roseline’s wedding. One thing struck me during this wedding. There were many non-Christian relatives and friends of the couple who were actually in church! They were experiencing a Christian wedding, Christian worship, even listening to a Christian preacher talk about relationships and marriage from God’s viewpoint. What a wonderful opportunity for these people to find out about what love means to Christians!

As we were going home, Dawn mentioned that she felt disgusted by what the speaker talked about. It was a little advice to both the husband and the wife. I was reminded of Dr Ian’s wedding not too long ago in which the pastor who spoke gave some lame advice (in my opinion) on how to be a good husband or wife. I wondered if speakers at weddings could have talked about other things, besides giving advice to couples. Wouldn’t they have had enough of that in marriage counseling classes? I now wonder about my own wedding, if ever I am going to get married. What would I want the speaker to talk about? What would I want my wedding to reflect and show?

During the wedding service, slides containing photographs of Roseline and her husband, Mark, were shown on a large screen. There were photographs of the two of them as tiny babies, little children, and young adults. I was moved to tears as I looked at those photographs with this beautiful Chinese song playing in the background. The song speaks of the wonderful gift of knowing God. As tears were flowing down my cheeks, I came to realize how God must have been so faithful in both of their lives. They have come so far, and now they will be embarking on a new journey together.

Besides my wedding (if I am given the opportunity to get married), there will be another occasion when all my non-Christian relatives and friends will go to church: my funeral. What will I want to share with them through an occasion like this? What do I want my wedding and funeral to reflect and show? What do I want all my loved ones and friends, whether Christian or not, to know? The resounding answer in my heart is this: I want these occasions to be a testament of God’s faithfulness and grace in my life. If it is my wedding, I want it to reflect God’s faithfulness in both the lives of my wife and me. If it is my funeral, then I want it to reflect God’s faithfulness in my entire journey on earth.

Friday, March 18, 2005

Beware of Service Blemished with Pride and Selfish Motives


After finishing the book of Malachi with Annette yesterday, what have I learned? The whole book resonated with the pain and heartache that God was going through because of His love for the people of Israel. The Israelites had given up on Him. They were disillusioned and thought that serving God had become a burden. They thought that God had abandoned them. They also accused God for being unjust. Even worse, the priests and Levites showed disrespect to God by sacrificing blemished and crippled animals to God.

What does it all mean for us today? Have we given up on God? Has our service to God been out of duty and have they become a burden for us? Do we serve God just because it is our duty or do we do it out of our love of God, who first loved us? Do we give God our best? Or are our gifts and service to God blemished and crippled? In a way, we are sometimes like the Israelites, and Annette instructed us to write down our thoughts on the book of Malachi on a sheet of paper. I wrote this down: Beware of service blemished with pride and selfish motives.

Thursday, March 17, 2005

Strangely Familiar, Yet Alien

Having gone through almost half of Brian D. McLaren’s book, I find some of his thoughts somewhat strangely familiar. It feels as if I have been through it before. It feels as if my heart yearns for all that he stands for. Maybe I am a postmodern inside. He challenges the sole authority and inerrancy of the Bible. What if the Bible is just a useful book for instruction as St. Paul says it is? What if our view of the Bible as the sole authority has somehow been influenced by our modern culture, just as how the medieval people looked at the Pope and the Church as infallible authority? Is it possible that much of what we believe, much of our interpretations of the Bible, and much of our theology could have been influenced by our modern culture?

After reading McLaren, I realize that these are not new thoughts. They have been with me long before I have even heard of him. I have doubted if the Bible really is the ‘Word of God’ as we evangelicals would define it – our answer book, the sole authority on what we should believe. Nowhere in the Bible does it claim to be the Word of God. Nowhere in the Bible does it claim to be the sole authority. I keep wondering if the Bible itself is even influenced by the culture of those who decided on the books that should be included. Why did they choose what we have in the Bible now? Why were others dropped? Could they have chosen only things that they wanted to hear? Could they have chosen what they thought was ‘correct’ teachings based on what they believed at that time? No doubt the Holy Spirit could have been guiding them and leading them, but isn’t this the same explanation the Catholics give to explain the infallibility of the Pope and Catholic tradition, that the Holy Spirit was guiding them? Why were books added or dropped as time went on? Will it be valid if a group of church leaders initiates a council and decides to add the writings of C. S. Lewis and Phillip Yancey into the Bible? Isn’t this how they did it at that time? No doubt these are ‘heretical’ thoughts in the eyes of evangelicals, but they have resided in the back of my mind for a long time. Reading McLaren has actually helped me to articulate these thoughts.

Of course, I won’t be so quick to say that everything is relative and that there are no absolutes, as the postmodernists would like to believe. I believe that God is absolute. Jesus is absolute. God’s Word to us (which may not necessarily be just the Bible, though I do not deny that God can speak to us through the Bible as He has done many times before in my life) is absolute. The Bible may be absolute, but our interpretation of the Bible may not be absolute.

To say that all knowledge is relative is not to say that there are no absolutes, but only to accept that we do not have absolute knowledge of the absolutes ~ on Pastor Sivin Kit’s blog

However, there are times when I am totally shocked by what McLaren says through Neo, one of his chief characters. Just as some thoughts are strangely familiar, others are totally alien. Could it be possible that Heaven and Hell are the same place? Could it be that those who choose to obey God will enjoy it, but those who reject God will not like it there? Ideas such as these I cannot accept, for now at least. I look forward to my next session with him!

Wednesday, March 16, 2005

The Basics of People Helping


We had our second session of the ‘How to be a People Helper’ course today. Reverend David shared on the basics of people helping, such as the importance of the helper’s and helpee’s attitudes, the relationship between the helper and the helpee, as well as the importance of the emotions, thinking and behavior of both parties. Of all the things he talked about, what struck me the most was that he kept repeating to us about discipling someone who would then become a discipler. He talked about helping others so that they can be independent, and in turn be people helpers also. We often help people with genuine concern, but instead of giving them freedom, we make them dependent on us. Even worse, some of us help others because deep inside, we feel good about ourselves when people are dependent on us. We feel needed. We feel important. I need to be cautious of such motives, especially now that I am the advisor in CF. Will I be able to help others so that they can be independent of me and be dependent on God? Will I help others in a way that will empower them to help others also? Do I want to be the hero and make others look up to me and come to me for help?

What could possibly be greater than seeing a person come to Christ? When the person you have led to Christ grows and develops into a dedicated, fruitful, mature disciple who then goes on to lead others to Christ and help them in turn as well. ~ Leroy Eims, The Lost Art of Disciple Making

Monday, March 14, 2005

A New Kind of Christian and the Emerging Church


Reading Pastor Sivin Kit’s blog, as well as some linked articles, I stumbled upon something which I have never heard of up till recently. There are actually dialogues being conducted throughout the world in which church leaders and Christians are coming together to discuss current issues in our postmodern culture, and looking at ways at which the Church can respond to these issues.

There seems to be a growing discontent among many Christians in the way the Church as we have it today has failed to handle such issues. More and more Christians are becoming disappointed and disillusioned with church, as well as with the current form of ‘Christianity’. More and more of us are beginning to discover that currently existing denominations and theologies do not fully describe our personal faith and beliefs. There is a cry for a new form of Christianity, an emerging Church that will be able to address these issues and to handle the challenges of postmodernism and a changing culture.

I have personally been disappointed with certain churches. There have been countless times when I have disagreed with church leaders on certain issues. I disagree with some of the stands that many Christians choose to take just because their leaders say so. I am saddened by the way certain church leaders take advantage of their positions by forcing their own ideas and ways of thinking onto the people that they have been called to lead. It would seem now that their personal convictions and beliefs have become the absolute truth. To them, everything is black and white. Other opinions are not acceptable. They believe that everyone must agree with them, and they go all out to brainwash their members. The only problem is that what one pastor believes to be the truth totally contradicts what the other pastor believes to be the truth. Christians are not allowed to drink alcohol. Christians are not allowed to go clubbing. Sunday is the day in which you HAVE to be in church; Other Christian camps and gatherings are not allowed. Church leaders decide when you can start dating. Church leaders decide who you can date. Church leaders decide what you can and cannot do. Church leaders control your life, and if you disobey them, you disobey God.

I sometimes do wonder what their motives are. I know that they are not perfect, just as I am not perfect. I struggle to forgive them and to try to understand them. I pray that God will forgive me for being judgmental towards them. But it does really get on my nerves; every time I hear Christians (especially leaders) say things as if they already seem to know everything. It is as if they fully know and understand God. They come up with shallow, simplistic answers to every issue and problem and expect everyone to agree with them. Where is the thinking Christian? Where is the Christian who loves the Lord our God not just with their emotions, but with their minds as well? Where is the Christian who is more concerned about following Jesus rather than being conformed to the pattern of other Christians? Mark Twain once said, ‘if Christ were here now, there is one thug he would not be… a Christian.’ No doubt he was an atheist, but it does make us think. If Jesus was here now, what would He be doing? What would He have been like?

This is why I find Brian D. McLaren interesting. This is why I am curious to read his books. A controversial figure, no doubt, but so was Martin Luther in his time. I finally got my hands on ‘A New Kind of Christian’, and started reading it today. Maybe I will find that whatever he has to say may not be far from what my heart has been saying.

Sunday, March 13, 2005

Be Thou My Vision

After the committee meeting tonight, I felt a little anxious. I had much difficulty in trying to pinpoint the cause of this anxiety. Am I concerned about the CF? Am I concerned about the issues that were raised during the meeting? Am I concerned about how some of the committee members were not satisfied with certain things and conclusions? Am I concerned about what I did wrong or right at the meeting? Am I concerned about what the committee thinks of me? I did feel a little awkward as the advisor. I was not sure of what I should or should not say. I guess it will take time for me to adjust to this new role. What should I do? What should I NOT do?

Amidst all the anxiety, this song kept playing in my heart. It still IS playing in my heart. We sang it in church today. It is a reminder to me to keep my eyes focused on God, as Nigel had reminded me a year ago during the committee retreat. Be Thou my vision, O Lord of my heart; not myself, not what I need to do as an advisor, and not the issues and concerns of the CF!

Be thou my vision, O Lord of my heart
Naught be all else to me save that thou art
Thou my best thought by day or by night
Waking or sleeping thy presence my light.

Be thou my wisdom, thou my true word
I ever with thee, thou with me, Lord
Thou my great Father, I thy true Son
Thou in me dwelling, and I with thee one.

Be thou my battle shield, sword for the fight
Be thou my dignity, thou my delight
Thou my soul's shelter, thou my high tower
Raise thou me heavenward, O power of my power.

Riches I heed not, nor man's empty praise
Thou mine inheritance, now and always
Thou and thou only, first in my heart
High King of heaven, my treasure thou art.

High King of heaven, after victory won
May I reach heaven's joys, O bright heaven's sun
Heart of my own heart, whatever befall
Still be my vision, O ruler of all.

Is God at the center of everything I do? Do I have my eyes fixed on Him? It is easy to be focused on other things, even ‘spiritual’ things like worship and Bible study. Does my worship and study of the Bible lead me to God, or does it end there? Do I like studying the Bible just for its own sake? Are my prayers and my songs always about me or are they truly reflecting an inner desire to adore God for who He is?

Friday, March 11, 2005

True Humility

A humble man is not disturbed by praise. Since he is no longer concerned with himself, and since he knows where the good that is in him comes from, he does not refuse praise, because it belongs to the God he loves, and in receiving it, he keeps nothing for himself but gives it all, with great joy, to his God.

If you were truly humble you would not bother about yourself at all. Why should you? You would only be concerned with God and with His will and with the objective order of things and values as they are, and not as your own selfishness wants them to be. Consequently, you would have no illusions to defend. Your movements would be free. You would not need to be hampered with excuses which are really only framed to defend you against the accusation of pride – as if your humility depended on what other people thought of you! A humble man can do great things with an uncommon perfection because he is no longer concerned about incidentals, like his own interests and his own reputation, and therefore he no longer needs to waste his efforts in defending them. ~ Thomas Merton, the New Seeds of Contemplation


How true! There have been many times in the past in which I have turned down invitations to lead and turned praise away so as to look humble and to avoid accusations of pride. I was more concerned about what people thought about me rather than obeying God’s will. But this is not true humility because I am still so full of myself. A truly humble person would not be so concerned about what others think because He would know that all the praise belongs to God, and wouldn’t mind being accused of anything. He would be more concerned with obeying God rather than defending himself and his own reputation.

Thursday, March 10, 2005

Why Do I Want to be a People Helper?

Despite all the obstacles, I finally managed to sign up for the ‘How to be a People Helper’ course in church. I had thought initially that the deadline was over and that I had missed the opportunity. Thank God I was able to register for it in the end, albeit a little last minute. Yuet Pei, Katherine and Agnes signed up for it too. I hope that they will be able to benefit from this course, just as I hope to be able to equip myself through this course.

Everyone who is a human being will need help sometime or another. So we are surrounded by people who need help. If we were that person, we would be hoping that someone we knew would be able to help us. How many times have people come to me with some issues and problems and have asked me for help? How many times have I been in a situation where someone is asking me for advice? How many times have I been troubled and concerned about the needs and burdens of others? So many times, yet how many times have I felt helpless and unsure of what I have to do to help them?

I am sure that merely attending this 12 weeks course will not be able to help me solve everyone’s problems. I am sure however, that through this course, I will be better equipped to help others whenever I am placed in such situations by God and if I am called to do so. Given the task that God has given me as an advisor, I believe that opportunities to help others will arrive sooner rather than later.

It is easy enough to tell the poor to accept their poverty as God’s will when you yourself have warm clothes and plenty of food and medical care and a roof over your head and no worry about the rent. But if you want them to believe you – try to share some of their poverty and see if you can accept God’s will yourself! ~ Thomas Merton, the New Seeds of Contemplation

Wednesday, March 09, 2005

The Jonah that Finally Listened to God

The book of Jonah has a special place in my heart. This is not due to any affection that I have for the prophet with the same name, but it is rather due to the significant role that this book has played in my life. I still remember clearly the events that took place two years ago, when God was calling me to be the president of the CF. The election committee spoke to me and asked if I would be willing to accept the role. My immediate response was to reject it. I couldn’t do it. I didn’t have the qualities that were required. I simply didn’t want to do it!

It would seem coincidental then that we were doing the book of Jonah in Annette’s Bible study. I saw in the prophet Jonah a portrait of myself. I saw that what I was doing was no different from what Jonah did when he tried to run away from God’s call. God’s message was clear to me then. I couldn’t run away. He demanded my obedience, and I had to obey. The rest is history, and my life has never been the same after that. Now I can look back at what God has done in me and through me as the president of the CF with immense gratitude and thankfulness. I would have missed out on so many experiences and lessons in life if I hadn’t obeyed God. Everything happened because of a choice I made. And God used this little book called Jonah to steer me towards that choice.

Charis, now the new president of the CF (after yesterday’s AGM), thanked me today for ‘being the Jonah that finally listened to God’. I did share my story with her before. I am glad that she also made a turn around and decided to continue serving in the committee. I am sure that she will have her own story to tell when she looks back at the choice
she made.

Tuesday, March 08, 2005

AGM and Handover

When the day that I have been dreading for weeks finally arrived, I couldn’t wait for it to be over. This is THE day; when the old committee members will be officially handing over their responsibilities to the new committee; when the new committee members and CG leaders will be dedicated to God. This is the day that I have to speak in CF.

So the day went on as usual, except for the fact that I was nervous and feeling tense all day! I couldn’t get it out of my mind. I couldn’t even concentrate on my work. All I could do was to pray and to keep thinking about what I was going to say. It got worse and worse as the day went on, up till CF. My feelings must have been really noticeable as some of my friends in the CF began asking me why I looked so tense.

I shared about leadership. I shared about going through a time of transition. Before I knew it, it was over. Thank God. Really, I felt so relieved. Public speaking is definitely not for me! I thank God he brought me through it all and that He spoke through me. I am sure that even though I may not be able to speak well in public, the Holy Spirit will speak to them in their hearts.

Well, I’ve done what You asked me to do! No doubt I’d rather not have to do it, but since this was what You wanted, I’ll do it for You! I love You and thanks very much!! But please Lord, is it possible that I do less of such things? *Grin*

Today is also the day when I would be officially commissioned as an advisor in CF. I was afraid of the consequences that I would have to endure because of the announcement, so I actually begged Leona not to announce it! Imagine what the people in CF would start calling me! But then I guess it needs to be done. It will help me in my ministry anyway. Now everyone is calling me ‘advisor’! God, help me!

Monday, March 07, 2005

An Unexpected Guest

I was surprised when Esther walked in with her mother for the Bible study. It turned out that her mother was actually going to join us for the study! It felt a little awkward at first, and in my heart, I was actually feeling extremely thankful that I was not leading the study today! As the discussion wore on, Esther’s mother started to get more and more involved. She shared what she felt about certain things though it wasn’t easy, since she was using a Chinese Bible and communicated better in Chinese.

In the end, I felt that it was a wonderful blessing that she was around to share with us. She did give us many insights into some of the things we were discussing about. At the end of it, she even bombarded us with a plethora of Scripture verses related to the topic of ‘pride’, which was one of the key lessons in the passage we were doing. She shared about how she was learning things from us, and how we also can learn from ‘older’ people like her. She mentioned that it is sad, that many young people today who are highly educated like us tend not to want to listen to less educated people like her. I agree with her. And it is mostly down to pride. We sometimes think that we know more than our elders just because we have a better education. But what is untested, classroom education compared to the tried and tested teachers we call experiences, trials and hardships of life?

We had an unexpected guest today, and with her came unexpected blessings from God. Thank you Father for your wonderful surprises in life!

Sunday, March 06, 2005

The Fragility of Life

Life is fragile. We all know it. Some of us learn to embrace it. Others choose not to think about it. But the truth remains and we cannot run from it. One moment, we are alive and well. The next moment, we are gone from this world. One minute, we are content with the pleasures and sensuality of life. The next minute, death stares at us straight in the eyes.

We often try to brush aside any thoughts of death and of our own mortality; as if by doing so we can escape it. We somehow have this idea that by not thinking about it, we can enjoy our life more. Yet, no matter how hard we try, the nearness and reality of death will always knock on the doors of our minds when we least expect it, to ever remind us that our time is coming. Each time we hear about a death in the news; each time a beloved of ours or a friend of ours dies; we are dragged back into reality. Soon, it will be our turn.

This reality hit me again today when I received news that my grandfather had been hospitalized. He had been bleeding during urination and had lost so much blood that he became very weak. My aunt told me that it was serious and asked me to pray for him. I became quite anxious and feared for the worst. I wondered if I would ever be able to see my grandpa here on earth again, and started to regret not spending more time with him when I had the chance.

This episode really hit me hard. I was reminded again of the fragility of life. I realize that sweeping this inescapable fact under the rug makes no sense. I need to learn to face it, and to live each day as if it could be the last day of my life, or even the last day of the lives of my loved ones. I will never know if I will ever see them again. I am glad for the hope that we have in Jesus, as this gives us something to hold on to. It even gives us something to look forward to on the other side of death. Life is fragile, but we know that it is in our heavenly Father’s hands. We also know what lies beyond: Paradise, our real home…

Lord, you have been our dwelling place
throughout all generations.
Before the mountains were born
or you brought forth the earth and the world,
from everlasting to everlasting you are God.

You turn men back to dust,
saying, "Return to dust, O sons of men."
For a thousand years in your sight
are like a day that has just gone by,
or like a watch in the night.
You sweep men away in the sleep of death;
they are like the new grass of the morning-
though in the morning it springs up new,
by evening it is dry and withered.

We are consumed by your anger
and terrified by your indignation.
You have set our iniquities before you,
our secret sins in the light of your presence.
All our days pass away under your wrath;
we finish our years with a moan.
The length of our days is seventy years-
or eighty, if we have the strength;
yet their span is but trouble and sorrow,
for they quickly pass, and we fly away.

Who knows the power of your anger?
For your wrath is as great as the fear that is due you.
Teach us to number our days aright,
that we may gain a heart of wisdom.

Relent, O LORD! How long will it be?
Have compassion on your servants.
Satisfy us in the morning with your unfailing love,
that we may sing for joy and be glad all our days.
Make us glad for as many days as you have afflicted us,
for as many years as we have seen trouble.
May your deeds be shown to your servants,
your splendor to their children.

May the favor of the Lord our God rest upon us;
establish the work of our hands for us-
yes, establish the work of our hands.

~Psalms 90

Saturday, March 05, 2005

Blind Faith vs Rational Faith

It is of course necessary to remember that faith implies the acceptance of truths proposed by authority. But this element of submission in faith must not be so over-emphasized that it seems to constitute the whole essence of faith: as if a mere unloving, unenlightened, dogged submission to the will of authority were enough to make a ‘man of faith’. If this element of will is over-emphasized, then the difference between faith in the intellect and simple obedience in the will becomes obscured. In certain cases this can be very unhealthy, because actually if there is no light of faith, no interior illumination of the mind by grace by which one accepts the proposed truth from God and thereby attains to it, so to speak, in His divine assurance, then inevitably the mind lacks the true peace, the supernatural support which is due it. In that event there is not real faith. The positive element of light is lacking. There is a forced suppression of doubt rather than the opening of the eye of the heart by deep belief. ~ Thomas Merton, the New Seeds of Contemplation

What kind of faith do we have? Is our faith and what we believe merely the blind acceptance of truths proposed by church authority? Is this personal faith or just blind obedience? Should we believe some theology or doctrine just because it is widely accepted by most Christians? Can we have our own beliefs based on our own understanding of God’s Word? But then, isn’t this how the cults and false teachings are formed, when everyone has their own interpretation of Scripture? Being someone who likes to question my own faith and the faith of other Christians, I find it difficult sometimes to accept some views that are widely accepted by many Christians. Of course, more often than not, these are the nonessentials rather than the essentials of Christian theology.

Actually, our whole life is a mystery of which very little comes to our conscious understanding. But when we accept only what we can consciously rationalize, our life is actually reduced to the most pitiful limitations, though we may think quite otherwise. (We have been brought up with the absurd prejudice that only what we can reduce to a rational and conscious formula is really understood and experienced in our life. When we can say what a thing is, or what we are doing, we think we fully grasp and experience it. In point of fact, this verbalization – very often it is nothing more than verbalization – tends to cut us off from genuine experience and to obscure our understanding instead of increasing it.) ~ Thomas Merton, the New Seeds of Contemplation

This makes me think: Why do I need my faith to be rational and intellectual? Why is my faith so much in my head and not in my heart? Can this be just as harmful as blind, unquestioned faith?

Thursday, March 03, 2005

Love and Silence

The beginning of the fight against hatred, the basic Christian answer to hatred, is not the commandment to love, but what must necessarily come before in order to make the commandment bearable and comprehensible. It is a prior commandment, to believe. The root of Christian love is not the will to love, but the faith that one is loved. The faith that one is loved by God. That faith that one is loved by God although unworthy – or, rather, irrespective of one’s worth!

Let there always be quiet, dark churches in which men can take refuge. Places where they can kneel in silence. Houses of God, filled with His silent presence. There, even when they do not know how to pray, at least they can be still and breathe easily. Let there be a place somewhere in which you can breathe naturally, quietly, and not have to take your breath in continuous short gasps. A place where your mind can be idle, and forget its concerns, descend into silence, and worship the Father in secret. ~ Thomas Merton, the New Seeds of Contemplation

Wednesday, March 02, 2005

Feeling the Pressure

I received an e-mail from Dr Ewe today and it transformed my whole day. In the e-mail, he assigned me this impossible task of submitting an extended conference paper by the 2nd of April. The only problem was that we had not done any simulations and did not have any results to show! So now I have to learn how to use his program, make some small modifications, perform some simulations, analyze the results and write a paper in just one month! I felt sick and anxious. How can I ever do this? Is it even humanly possible? I was just letting my cousin Charissa know in my e-mail to her that I was enjoying my work. Now I beg to differ! Here comes the pressure, busyness and rush. Looks like I won’t be able to have my own time to do other things anymore. This is not only going to transform my day, but my whole month as well! Now I will have my work to worry about. Now I may have to work even at home. Now I will not be looking forward to work anymore. At least, this is what I feel at the moment. Is there something that can lift me up from this mess I’m in? God, will you bring me through this difficult time?

Tuesday, March 01, 2005

What does Success Mean to Me?

Pastor Sivin Kit from Bangsar Lutheran church was invited to speak in CF today on the topic of ‘Enjoying Life’. He made a connection between enjoying life and success. He then divided the CF into small groups with two questions for us to discuss. What does success mean to you? What steps should you take to achieve that success?

After thinking about it for awhile, I came up with this definition of success: To me, success means that when I am about to die, I can look back on my life and say that there is no better way I could have lived my life. I can be content and satisfied with how I have lived it and I will have no regrets. I can tell God with confidence that I have done what He wants me to do in this short time here and that I have been a good steward of this gift of life that He has given me. This is what success means to me. What steps can I take to achieve it? By living a life of contemplation and reflection, as well as being aware of what God is doing around me and in me.

I don’t know how theologically sound all these thoughts may be, but this is what I truly believe in my heart about what success in life means.